Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Delusional Man Turning Off Laptop Like He’s Done With It For Night

The severely deluded man, shown closing out of Spotify and Facebook, is apparently under the impression he’ll spend the next hour before bed reading and relaxing.
The severely deluded man, shown closing out of Spotify and Facebook, is apparently under the impression he’ll spend the next hour before bed reading and relaxing.

MINNEAPOLIS—Demonstrating how fully he had lost touch with reality, delusional man Jamie Farragut reportedly began turning off his laptop computer Tuesday at approximately 9:45 p.m. as if he were actually finished with it for the night.

Sources said that despite not planning to go to bed for another hour, the 31-year-old legitimately believed he was done using the device, shutting open windows and quitting applications under the mentally unsound assumption he wouldn’t be using them again until morning.

“I’m all caught up on my work emails, so I think I’ll just kick back on the couch and relax for a bit,” said the man deep in the throes of psychosis while closing several tabs—including Gmail, Instagram, and LinkedIn—that he currently had open in his browser. “It’ll feel good to sit back and unwind without any distractions.”

“I can just check the Twins score tomorrow,” the lunatic continued. “No big deal.”

“I’m all caught up on my work emails, so I think I’ll just kick back on the couch and relax for a bit. It’ll feel good to sit back and unwind without any distractions.”

According to sources with knowledge of the man’s addled state of delirium, Farragut then guided his cursor to the drop-down menu that contained the computer’s shut-down command. After he clicked the option on his touchpad, the computer reportedly gave the wildly senile individual the chance to come to his senses by asking if he was sure he actually wanted to turn the machine off.

However, by willfully avoiding the “Cancel” button and clicking “Shut Down,” the demented madman left no doubt that powering down the computer was in fact his intent.

“Maybe I’ll get back into that book I started reading a couple weeks ago,” Farragut told reporters while folding down the screen of his laptop and placing the device on a side table, actions that brought into stark relief just how untethered from the real world he had become. “Or maybe I’ll check out the new ESPN magazine I got in the mail today.”

“It will be nice to just take it easy for the rest of the night,” added the man, lost in an illusory world of his own hallucination. “Then I’ll call it a day and head to bed.”

At press time, Farragut remembered there was something he needed to check on real quick.


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