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Delusional Man Turning Off Laptop Like He’s Done With It For Night

The severely deluded man, shown closing out of Spotify and Facebook, is apparently under the impression he’ll spend the next hour before bed reading and relaxing.
The severely deluded man, shown closing out of Spotify and Facebook, is apparently under the impression he’ll spend the next hour before bed reading and relaxing.

MINNEAPOLIS—Demonstrating how fully he had lost touch with reality, delusional man Jamie Farragut reportedly began turning off his laptop computer Tuesday at approximately 9:45 p.m. as if he were actually finished with it for the night.

Sources said that despite not planning to go to bed for another hour, the 31-year-old legitimately believed he was done using the device, shutting open windows and quitting applications under the mentally unsound assumption he wouldn’t be using them again until morning.

“I’m all caught up on my work emails, so I think I’ll just kick back on the couch and relax for a bit,” said the man deep in the throes of psychosis while closing several tabs—including Gmail, Instagram, and LinkedIn—that he currently had open in his browser. “It’ll feel good to sit back and unwind without any distractions.”

“I can just check the Twins score tomorrow,” the lunatic continued. “No big deal.”

“I’m all caught up on my work emails, so I think I’ll just kick back on the couch and relax for a bit. It’ll feel good to sit back and unwind without any distractions.”

According to sources with knowledge of the man’s addled state of delirium, Farragut then guided his cursor to the drop-down menu that contained the computer’s shut-down command. After he clicked the option on his touchpad, the computer reportedly gave the wildly senile individual the chance to come to his senses by asking if he was sure he actually wanted to turn the machine off.

However, by willfully avoiding the “Cancel” button and clicking “Shut Down,” the demented madman left no doubt that powering down the computer was in fact his intent.

“Maybe I’ll get back into that book I started reading a couple weeks ago,” Farragut told reporters while folding down the screen of his laptop and placing the device on a side table, actions that brought into stark relief just how untethered from the real world he had become. “Or maybe I’ll check out the new ESPN magazine I got in the mail today.”

“It will be nice to just take it easy for the rest of the night,” added the man, lost in an illusory world of his own hallucination. “Then I’ll call it a day and head to bed.”

At press time, Farragut remembered there was something he needed to check on real quick.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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