DeMarcus Cousins Worried He Might Have Locker Room Cancer

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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DeMarcus Cousins Worried He Might Have Locker Room Cancer

SACRAMENTO, CA—Sacramento Kings center DeMarcus Cousins was frantic before the team's home game Monday, fearing that he might have locker room cancer. "Feel under my shoulder blade, tell me if you feel a lump," Cousins said to teammate Luther Head, adding that he'd heard locker room cancer spreads faster than any other type of cancer and that once you contract it "that's pretty much it." "I'm pretty sure my grandmother died of locker room cancer. Her high school field hockey team used a locker room like every day. So it runs in the family is what I'm saying." As of 2010, locker room cancer remained the leading cause of death among the nation's professional and amateur athletes, claiming 582 lives in the month of December alone.

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