Democratic Middle Eastern Union Votes To Invade U.S.

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OLDUVAI GORGE, FORMER TANZANIA—The UN announced Monday that it has begun the directed repopulation of Africa, the continent that has lain desolate since the 2042 Saharan Scourge. "The time has come to reclaim this land from the effects of war, famine, disease, and devastating commercial exploitation," ReAfrica project head Marcus Mtume said, motioning toward the bare rock of the Serengeti shield plain. "At this very moment, scouts are determining the viability of a New Lagos settlement." Critics argue that the ReAfrica project is beyond the scope of current terra-reforming technology, and the UN resources required would be better spent on more fertile territory, such as the Marianas Trench or Charon, Pluto's only moon.

Ozone Repletion Project Nearly Finished

MCMURDO, ANTARCTIC STATES--Franklin Serwacki, lead project administrator of the Global Ozone Restoration Initiative, announced Monday that the earth's ozone layer will be restored to pre-Industrial Revolution levels by the end of the month. "With our new Bering Strait facility operating at full capacity, repletion of the ozone layer should be complete by... oh, I'd say next Thursday. It's been a busy couple of weeks, but soon we'll be able to look back on a job well done." Serwacki then offered his apologies to the more than 6 billion people who were irreparably harmed by solar UV radiation in the several decades the project was delayed by tripartisan bickering.

Leather-Clad Nomads Seize Power In Australia

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Following months of terror at the hands of hot-rod-piloting punks, Australian Prime Minister Kellen O'Neill handed power to Lord Humongous, nominal warlord of the leather-clad marauding barbarian horde Monday. "Just walk away!" said Humongous, the official "Ayatollah of Rock 'n' Roll-ah," speaking through his vehicle's PA system from the smoking ruins of the city center. "I will spare those of you who surrender your possessions and your precious juice. Just walk away, and live." Humongous is expected to share at least a portion of his dominion over Australia with midget genius The Master, who several sources said "runs Bartertown."

117-Aerocar Pileup Clogs Troposphere For Hours

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Economy Given Big Boost By Ramadan Shopping Season

NEWER YORK—Financial experts announced Monday that the U.S. economy was boosted by millions of Americans beginning to purchase Ramadan gifts. "With rampant inflation and record-low consumer confidence, we were on the path to total economic devastation for the year," economist Karen Thewes said. "Fortunately, preparations for the celebration of Eid ul-Fitr pumped nearly Ÿ2.2 billion into the economy. In addition, there was a huge surge in the purchase of Quran plaques dedicated to Allah." Thewes went on to predict that the economy would be further buoyed by a brisk Solstice.
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Democratic Middle Eastern Union Votes To Invade U.S.

MECCA—The 14 democratic member nations of the Middle Eastern Union unanimously voted to declare war on the U.S. Monday, calling the North American country a "dangerous rogue state that must be contained."

A MEU meeting.

"The United States of America has repeatedly violated international law and committed human-rights abuses at home and abroad," MEU President Mohamed Rajib said at a Monday security-council meeting. "MEU weapons inspectors have confirmed that the U.S. continues to pursue their illegal ununhexium-weapons program. Our attempts to bring about change through diplomatic means have repeatedly failed. Now, we are forced to take military action."

The MEU, formed in the wake of the 2042 Saudi Arabian revolution, is modeled on the Enlightenment ideal of the democratic republic and makes every attempt to avoid war even as it pursues an agenda of encouraging self-rule throughout the world. The decision to invade America marks the first military action of the MEU.

Rajib said that, unless the U.S. ends its "unlawful and tyrannical" occupation of northern Africa in seven days, the governments of Iraq, Iran, Jordan, and Muhammad Arabia will begin deploying aero-troops to international tropospace over America's Brand-New England region.

The U.S.'s occupation of 31 nations around the world and last month's vicious, unprompted military attack on Buenos Aires were two of the 41 examples of "unabated aggression" listed in the MEU's declaration of war.

"Today we send a strong and clear message to America," Syrian representative Rashid Qu'rama said. "Your arrogant, imperial, unilateral attitude will not prevail."

The MEU first imposed sanctions against the U.S. in February 2054, demanding that the country pull troops from Antarctica and put an end to its credit trading in the troubled Wilkes Land region.

Iraqi President Hamal Hamoodi said that MEU member nations held extensive public forums before its congress voted to declare war.

"When making such serious choices, we must remain true to the democratic ideals we wish to protect," Hamoodi said. "We have received a mandate from our people to address the U.S.'s threat to democratic society everywhere. The voice of the Arab people will ring out as a beacon of freedom and hope to the world."

Along with the declaration of war, the MEU sent a message to the American people.

"To the oppressed, silenced U.S. citizens—help is on the way," Rajib said. "Liberty is on the march. Be assured: At the end of a long tunnel shines the light of freedom."

According to Rajib, the MEU will provide extensive humanitarian and robotitarian aid to the citizens of the U.S., and has already begun moving stockpiles of breakfast, lunch, and dinner pills to the marijuana-producing regions of Mexico, Canada, and Quebec.

Mexico, Canada, and Quebec have stated they are sympathetic to the MEU's goals but must remain neutral for the protection of their own people. It is likely, however, that they will host many refugees, should the U.S. turn against its people.

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