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Democratic Scouts Head To Tampa To Get Closer Look At Mitt Romney

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Democratic Scouts Head To Tampa To Get Closer Look At Mitt Romney

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to better gauge the competition, scouts for the Democratic Party headed to the Republican National Convention in Tampa this week to size up GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney. “We’ve seen him on tape, so we already know he’s got great speaking mechanics and a dominant gesturing arm,” said lead scout Karl Ponias, 68, noting that Romney has been known to “bring some serious heat” during debates. “At 6-foot-2, and with a 6-foot-3 wingspan, Romney has a body built for campaigning. Combine that with a solid stance behind the podium, and you definitely have a politician who can speak with power. And quickness? The guy can make upwards of four rhetorical points in 45 seconds. No doubt about it, he’s a five-tool candidate.” According to scouts in both parties, if Romney has any weakness in his political game, it’s mental, because when it comes to the issues he often doesn’t know where he stands.

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