Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries

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Vol 40 Issue 05

Boy, Dolphin No Longer On Speaking Terms

KEY WEST, FL—Jimmy O'Dell, 9, and his animal friend Skippy, a bottlenose dolphin, are no longer on speaking terms, the boy said Monday. "I told Skippy I wanted to ride his back out to Buccaneer's Cove to look for buried treasure," O'Dell said. "But Skippy kept squeaking that it wasn't safe. He's always contradicting me, and I'm sick of it. That finned freak is dead to me." Skippy refused to comment.

Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist

CHICAGO—The illegal use of Methaqualone is on the rise, Quaalude-addicted AP reporter Keith Jannings said Monday. "Quaaludes fell largely out of sight after the highly addictive sedatives were taken off the market in the '80s," said Jannings, a thread of drool hanging from his lower lip. "But my research shows that recreational use of this dangerous drug is rebounding, especially among the professional class." To demonstrate, Jannings downed three Canadian quails he'd scored from a dealer just hours earlier.

Celebrity Saddened By Death Of Other Celebrity

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor announced Monday that she was saddened by the death of actress, dancer, and fellow famous person Ann Miller. "Annie was such a joy, an absolute doll," Taylor told reporters. "She touched so many lives, and she will be missed. My heart goes out to her family." Taylor also expressed sadness over the recent passing of Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan.

Man Finds Self Back At Porn Store Again

JASPER, WY—Gregory Steevers, 37, found himself standing in the aisles of the Pleasure Island adult bookstore again Monday. "I was out on a walk after I dropped off the electric bill," Steevers said. "I stopped and had a sandwich, then, before I knew it, I was perusing the shelf of anal videos at the Island. Weird." Steevers said he's "ended up" at Pleasure Island about twice a week for the past four years.

Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Matthew Luskey's pep talk to Benjamin Lambert, who has struggled emotionally since a split with former girlfriend Ashley Huza, was laced with personal threats, sources reported Monday. "If you don't stop torturing yourself, I'm going to beat the living shit out of you," Luskey told Lambert. "Either you get up off of this couch and allow the healing process to begin, or I'll open up a wound so deep, it'll leave more than just an emotional scar." Luskey added that Lambert had better restore his sense of self-worth fast, if he values his life.

I Totally Called Yesterday's Surge In Tech Stocks!

You all think you're hot shit because you guessed that the dollar would continue to slide against the euro, but answer me this: Who totally called yesterday's 0.4 percent surge in technology stock valuations, in spite of their inflated P/E ratio? Who defied conventional wisdom and foresaw the late-afternoon rally after a morning of relatively tepid technology trading? Who is the fucking man? If you said "Geoffrey Fox," you are correct.

I Happened To Be In The Neighborhood And Horny

Hey, how's it going? I'm sorry, were you sleeping? I guess it's kinda late. I know we haven't seen each other in a long time, but I was in the neighborhood, and I saw your light on, so I thought I'd drop by and see if you'd have sex with me.

10th-Grade Class Watches Ben-Hur For Two Weeks

SALEM, VA—For the eighth straight world-history period, sophomores at Riverside High School watched the 1959 classic Ben-Hur Tuesday. "The chariot races were pretty cool," Michael Bower said of the 211-minute film he and classmates have been watching in 25-minute segments, between roll call and free-reading. "And when Mr. Franks got back from the teachers' lounge, he told us Jesus is in tomorrow's part." Bower said he dreads next week, when the class will break into Ben-Hur discussion groups and share their ancient-history unit journals.
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Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising last-minute upset, all seven Democratic presidential hopefuls somehow lost the Democratic primaries Tuesday.

Democratic Candidates

"While it's true that the Democratic Party has been struggling to find a strong voice, you can imagine our surprise when results indicated that John Kerry, Howard Dean, Wesley Clark, Joe Lieberman, and John Edwards all failed to carry a single primary," American Research Group political analyst Dick Bennett said late Tuesday. "Oh, and Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich, too."

Primaries were held in Delaware, Missouri, Arizona, Oklahoma, and South Carolina, with no single Democratic candidate coming in higher than second place.

Experts are still unsure exactly how Kerry, whom many considered the frontrunner after strong showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, lost to, and along with, every other Democratic candidate.

"Given our standing going into Tuesday, we were surprised not to take at least one state," Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill said. "But, in all honesty, we were a hell of a lot more baffled that none of the other Democratic candidates won, either."

Aggregate results from the five states, with all districts reporting, show Kerry leading the other candidates, but at a distant second.

"We're going to keep fighting," Kerry said. "I'm not going to throw in the towel just because I have no idea how it is even remotely possible for all of us to lose our own primary."

"I didn't give up in Vietnam, and I won't give up here," Kerry added.

Dean shared Kerry's mixture of confusion and resolve.

"I'd like to thank everyone who worked so hard on my campaign," Dean said. "I'll need your continued support as we go to Michigan, to Washington, to Maine... With your help, I know this campaign, or one of the Democratic campaigns, can take those primaries."

After polls closed Tuesday evening, Democratic Party officials were ready to concede defeat, but no one was sure to whom the concession call should be made.

President Bush watches the results of Tuesday's primaries on television.

"Well, we certainly can't blame this one on the Republicans," Democratic National Convention head Terry McAuliffe said. "I guess we have to blame the candidates? Organizers like myself? Negative campaigning? The media?"

McAuliffe said candidates will have to consider how it will look to Americans that Democrats lost in a voting situation where only Democrats were on the ballot.

"While we weren't sure who would win in November, our party really thought we had this one in the bag," McAuliffe said. "But we're not a group that puts its tail between its legs and runs. There's still time to get the message out there: Vote Democrat for Democrat."

Several pundits have already called the Democratic primary loss the worst defeat in the party's history. Appearing on CNN, political analyst Larry Sabato said the results indicate a "combination of voter caution—with voters hesitant to cast votes when no one candidate stands out—a;nd complete and utter mathematic improbability."

"The Democratic Party is in damage-control mode right now," Sabato said. "But remember, that's a mode they're familiar with. They're definitely on the home court here."

Sabato added: "Anyway, in a political era during which Bush can get into the White House with fewer votes than his opponent, even a loss of this magnitude doesn't mean the race is over."

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