Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
End Of Section
  • More News

Democrats Unveil 324 Million New Slogans To Appeal To Each U.S. Resident Individually

WASHINGTON—In an effort to rebrand the struggling party after a poor showing in the 2016 elections and to win over voters ahead of next year’s midterms, the Democratic National Committee on Monday unveiled 324 million new slogans to appeal to each United States resident individually. “We’re going to let Americans know that we’re fighting for each of them specifically with tailored slogans such as ‘A Better Construction Job For Brian’ and ‘Improving Schools For Your 9-Year-Old Twins Chloe And Sara,’” explained DNC chair Tom Perez, adding that the party sought to connect with more Americans by placing the customized slogans on postcards and door-hanger advertisements personally addressed to every inhabitant of the U.S. “From ‘Better Healthcare For Bill Webber’s Diabetes’ to ‘Mallory, We’ll Put That New Addition On Your House,’ to ‘We Can Probably Get You Five Minutes With Mark Ruffalo, Janice Marcott Of Cheyenne, Wyoming,’ our new party slogans have been carefully calibrated to narrowly focus on the issues each particular voter cares about most.” At press time, the DNC had already botched the rollout and sent bumper stickers with “Lowering Child Support For Ted” to all 324 million Americans.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.