Demographers Postulate Existence Of Life Forms Over 35

Top Headlines

Business

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Fatherhood

Demographers Postulate Existence Of Life Forms Over 35

NEW YORK–The international demographic community is reeling Monday following an announcement by scientists at the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Demography suggesting the possibility of human life in the over-35 age range–a vast, mysterious, youthless area long thought to exist only in the realm of myth.

Normal teen humans (left) and a computer-simulated image of the hypothetical over-35 life forms.

MID's Franklin Davies, a consumer-tracking consultant who has worked with such high-profile companies as Nike, Pepsico, and The Gap, discovered what he believes to be over-35, or "extra-youthular," life during an otherwise routine analysis of the market share of an NBC sitcom pilot aimed at audiences between the ages of 18 and 25.

"One element of the sitcom involved the characters exuding sassy, rebellious 'attitude,' thereby making them more appealing to the target group," said Davies, whose work is widely respected within Madison Avenue circles. "But much of this sassy content seemed to involve a strange, phantom 'x-factor,' if you will, that the characters called 'parents' and complained about having to deal with. We knew none of the characters could be parents of infants, since they were all unmarried, recent-college-graduate twentysomethings living, loving, and learning in L.A."

"Yet the unaccounted-for factor would not go away, regardless of how many times I recalibrated the equations," Davies added. "No matter how I crunched the numbers, it still came up. I could only conclude that any beings old enough to have parented characters who were now twentysomethings themselves would, by mathematical necessity, have to be older than 35."

"A shiver ran down my spine as the implications of this data became clear," Davies said.

Supporting Davies' theory are recent, unexplained findings by retail analyst Milton Roth, who discovered "significant sale revenues" for such items as the Weed Whacker, the Roly-Kit, and Gold Bond medicated powder–products which do not carry an aura of edgy, youthful rebelliousness and do not appeal to any known demographic markets.

"Someone had to be buying them," Roth said. "I realized then that we were entering the realm of science fiction. But in this case, it was all too real."

Because of their joint contributions to this new demographic frontier, Davies and Roth are being hailed as pioneers in a new market-research science, and are considered front-runners for this year's Nobel Prize for Demography. If the existence of over-35 humans is proven true, it could revolutionize the demographic field and shake such related disciplines as test-marketing, focus-grouping, and niche-market target advertising to their cores.

Known Demographic Categories And Preferences (chart)

"We are talking about, potentially, an entirely new lifeform hitherto unknown to modern demographic science," Davies told a conference of international demographers at MID. "Such bizarre creatures would represent a whole new phylum of consumer. If such beings exist, they are presumably alien to everything we know about 34-and-under discretionary-income spending patterns."

"For example," said Davies, pausing to let the impact of his statement settle in before continuing, "they may not even watch The WB or Fox at all." The statement drew gasps from the assembled crowd.

Demographers have long considered the mapping of the human population–a body of consumers consisting of pre-teens (sometimes called "kids" or "children"), teens, and 18- to 34-year-olds–to be complete. Though largely uncharted as recently as a century ago, these consumers' favorite soft drinks, clothing items, and TV shows, as well as their average income and education level, are now so effectively-documented that even obscure demographic subcategories can be easily targeted by niche-marketing efforts.

Recently, some demographic experts even declared that a "Unified Theory Of Complex Spending"–a single, elegant formula encompassing all possible buyer categories–was just around the corner. But the new findings raise the possibility that there exists a new species of consumer who is not interested in the Sega Dreamcast, romantic comedies starring Freddie Prinze Jr., Abercrombie & Fitch baseball caps, or even the chart-topping ballads of Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync.

"Disturbing as it may be, it appears possible that right here in America, the very epicenter of corporate consumerism, individuals walk among us who do not own baggy pants and puffy shoes or watch MTV's Total Request Live," said American Demographic Society president Ronald Wilson, addressing the organization's members during an emergency session. "We urge calm until this crisis can be further analyzed and its implications can be fully absorbed."

Despite his concern, Wilson ended his remarks on an optimistic note.

"We must remember that even if such creatures do exist, it is likely that they would have far less sex appeal, fashion sense, and discretionary income than all known forms of under-35 life," Wilson said. "It is possible that if we just ignore them, their impact upon society will prove relatively insignificant."

Next Story