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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Denny Hamlin's Spine Bone Done Busted

FONTANA, CA—Following a collision on the final lap at the Auto Club 400 last weekend, NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin has done busted his ol’ spine bone, racing team medical staff confirmed Wednesday. “Denny came bouncin’ off that inside wall hotter’n a goat’s ass in a pepper patch an’ got his spine bone smashed up sump’n awful,” said team physician Logan McRae of Hamlin, who after plumb near snapping his standin’ pole in two reportedly was done taken away in a big whirly-plane to a local hospital, where the fancy learnin’ doctors figured his broke-up back axle was as useless as tits on a bull. “It’s a powerful fracture, but we’re fixin’ to slap some spit on’t and have our boy patched up lickety-split. He oughter be perambulatin’ di-rectly, I reckon.” Dr. McRae added that though Hamlin will eventually regain the mobility needed to resume his racing career, he may require the use of a steppin’ stick for the rest of his days.

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