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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Denny Hamlin's Spine Bone Done Busted

FONTANA, CA—Following a collision on the final lap at the Auto Club 400 last weekend, NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin has done busted his ol’ spine bone, racing team medical staff confirmed Wednesday. “Denny came bouncin’ off that inside wall hotter’n a goat’s ass in a pepper patch an’ got his spine bone smashed up sump’n awful,” said team physician Logan McRae of Hamlin, who after plumb near snapping his standin’ pole in two reportedly was done taken away in a big whirly-plane to a local hospital, where the fancy learnin’ doctors figured his broke-up back axle was as useless as tits on a bull. “It’s a powerful fracture, but we’re fixin’ to slap some spit on’t and have our boy patched up lickety-split. He oughter be perambulatin’ di-rectly, I reckon.” Dr. McRae added that though Hamlin will eventually regain the mobility needed to resume his racing career, he may require the use of a steppin’ stick for the rest of his days.

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