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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

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Dental-Hygiene Tips

As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

Dental-Hygiene Tips


  • Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
  • Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
  • If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
  • Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
  • Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
  • To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
  • Contrary what today's kids think, it is not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth.
  • Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
  • Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
  • Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
  • If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
  • If you are a denture wearer, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
  • An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are such a lazy fuck that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
  • Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.
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