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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Dental-Hygiene Tips

As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

Dental-Hygiene Tips


  • Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
  • Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
  • If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
  • Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
  • Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
  • To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
  • Contrary what today's kids think, it is not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth.
  • Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
  • Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
  • Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
  • If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
  • If you are a denture wearer, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
  • An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are such a lazy fuck that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
  • Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.
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