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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Dental-Hygiene Tips

As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

Dental-Hygiene Tips


  • Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
  • Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
  • If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
  • Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
  • Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
  • To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
  • Contrary what today's kids think, it is not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth.
  • Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
  • Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
  • Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
  • If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
  • If you are a denture wearer, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
  • An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are such a lazy fuck that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
  • Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.
  • More from this section

    Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

    NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

    Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

    ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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