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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Department Of Interior Asks For Resignation Of Obama-Era Elk

WASHINGTON—In order to ensure a uniform transition to the new administration, the Department of Interior on Thursday requested the immediate resignation of all Obama-era elk. “We are asking all elk appointed by President Obama, regardless of subspecies, to step down from their posts by no later than June 1,” said Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, adding that the dismissal of more than a million of the ungulate land mammals was not unlike restructurings carried out by past administrations that wished to staff the nation’s forests and mountain ranges with their own personnel. “We would like to thank the departing elk for the grazing they have provided, and we welcome their assistance as we transition to the new herds. We are, of course, excited to start working with our incoming elk, whose migration patterns and antler-shedding cycles are more compatible with the vision of the Trump White House.” At press time, many of the elk that had been fired had taken to the media to bugle in protest.

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