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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Department Of Interior Brings Down Derelict Rainbow With Controlled Demolition

KANSAS CITY, MO—Saying the once-radiant arc had become little more than an eyesore, officials at the Department of the Interior announced Monday that a demolitions team had successfully brought down a derelict rainbow with a series of controlled dynamite blasts. “It was very old and faded—to be honest, it wasn’t even worth craning your neck upward to look at anymore,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, adding that the detonation of explosive charges along the base of the neglected rainbow had sent the massive curved span cascading down in a shower of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. “We’re still discussing the feasibility of replacing it with a much sleeker and modernized double rainbow, but we may just use the space for more clouds that look like things.” Sources confirmed that a three-mile area surrounding the demolition site had to be cleared of all residents, as the polychromatic dust created by such blasts is highly carcinogenic.

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