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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Department Of Interior Brings Down Derelict Rainbow With Controlled Demolition

KANSAS CITY, MO—Saying the once-radiant arc had become little more than an eyesore, officials at the Department of the Interior announced Monday that a demolitions team had successfully brought down a derelict rainbow with a series of controlled dynamite blasts. “It was very old and faded—to be honest, it wasn’t even worth craning your neck upward to look at anymore,” said Interior Secretary Sally Jewell, adding that the detonation of explosive charges along the base of the neglected rainbow had sent the massive curved span cascading down in a shower of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. “We’re still discussing the feasibility of replacing it with a much sleeker and modernized double rainbow, but we may just use the space for more clouds that look like things.” Sources confirmed that a three-mile area surrounding the demolition site had to be cleared of all residents, as the polychromatic dust created by such blasts is highly carcinogenic.

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