adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing the animal’s ideal physical features and archetypally frisky behavior, Department of Agriculture officials announced at a press conference Thursday that the agency had successfully located the perfect goat. “As you can see from the proportion of his legs to his body, his flawless, glossy brown hair, and the way he chews grass with his jaw moving back and forth at an ideal rate of 40 times per minute, we have finally found the perfect goat,” said Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Krysta Harden, while admiring the animal’s perfect horns, perfect ears, and perfect hooves. “The sounds he makes are not too loud and not too soft. They are superb bleats.” At press time, Harden reportedly observed the goat limping slightly and vowed to double efforts to track down an impeccable cashmere goat allegedly residing in the Iowa countryside.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings