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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing the animal’s ideal physical features and archetypally frisky behavior, Department of Agriculture officials announced at a press conference Thursday that the agency had successfully located the perfect goat. “As you can see from the proportion of his legs to his body, his flawless, glossy brown hair, and the way he chews grass with his jaw moving back and forth at an ideal rate of 40 times per minute, we have finally found the perfect goat,” said Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Krysta Harden, while admiring the animal’s perfect horns, perfect ears, and perfect hooves. “The sounds he makes are not too loud and not too soft. They are superb bleats.” At press time, Harden reportedly observed the goat limping slightly and vowed to double efforts to track down an impeccable cashmere goat allegedly residing in the Iowa countryside.

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