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Department Of Defense Unveils $83 Million Thing That Shoots

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Department Of Defense Unveils $83 Million Thing That Shoots

WASHINGTON—Defense Department Deputy Secretary William Lynn III revealed the results of a three-year, $83 million project culminating in a device that shoots Friday. "This new, state-of-the-art thing that shoots will be an invaluable part of our arsenal," said Lynn of the high-tech thing that rolls around and shoots things. "When combined with our thing that goes underwater and our thing that flies around and drops exploding stuff, this cutting-edge shooting thing will help ensure American military dominance for decades." Lynn also emphasized to reporters that the new device will only shoot at bad people.

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