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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Department Of Defense Unveils $83 Million Thing That Shoots

WASHINGTON—Defense Department Deputy Secretary William Lynn III revealed the results of a three-year, $83 million project culminating in a device that shoots Friday. "This new, state-of-the-art thing that shoots will be an invaluable part of our arsenal," said Lynn of the high-tech thing that rolls around and shoots things. "When combined with our thing that goes underwater and our thing that flies around and drops exploding stuff, this cutting-edge shooting thing will help ensure American military dominance for decades." Lynn also emphasized to reporters that the new device will only shoot at bad people.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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