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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Department Of Defense Unveils $83 Million Thing That Shoots

WASHINGTON—Defense Department Deputy Secretary William Lynn III revealed the results of a three-year, $83 million project culminating in a device that shoots Friday. "This new, state-of-the-art thing that shoots will be an invaluable part of our arsenal," said Lynn of the high-tech thing that rolls around and shoots things. "When combined with our thing that goes underwater and our thing that flies around and drops exploding stuff, this cutting-edge shooting thing will help ensure American military dominance for decades." Lynn also emphasized to reporters that the new device will only shoot at bad people.

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