adBlockCheck

Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog

WASHINGTON, DC—Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S.

Ridge introduces Rufus to the national press corps.

"Rufus here has one wild hair up his ass 'bout most everything," said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, as he introduced the dog, a Rottweiler-pitbull-Doberman mix, to the White House press corps. "But I got a feelin' Rufus has a 'specially wild hair to fetch him up some of them Ay-rab terrorist types."

"Don't you, boy?" added Ridge, yanking hard on Rufus' choke chain as the dog barked and jumped to nip at his face. "Huh? I said don't you, boy? Hell, yeah!"

Attorney General John Ashcroft applauded the announcement, praising Rufus for his commitment to fighting terror, as well as for his unswerving loyalty to Ridge.

"No one can touch Rufus 'ceptin' Tom," Ashcroft said. "He plumb loves Tom. And he don't always growl at me no more since I done okayed his appointment and give him scraps of my beef jerky. But I sure as hell ain't goin' to try and pet him, on account of I need that hand to wipe my ass."

The primary role of Rufus—previously employed by a Georgetown-area Gas 'N' Go to intimidate drunken late-night patrons and would-be shoplifters—will be one of deterrence. Beginning June 1, the dog will be deployed to various U.S. bridges, national monuments, and other potential terror targets, where he will be chained to a pair of cinderblocks and instructed to bark, growl, and leap at potential terrorists—defined as individuals who come too close, make eye contact with him, or just don't smell right.

"The hijacker ain't been born that won't load up his overalls when ol' Rufus here up an' come at him," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said. "And if'n they don't run, well, they gonna be explainin' to the Muslim St. Peter why they's got a hole in 'em big enough to throw an angry cat through."

"That ol' dog's so mean, he ain't done nothin' but eat nails and shit nickels ever since he was born," added Ridge, holding back Rufus as the animal lunged at the throat of CNN commentator and former Clinton press secretary Paul Begala. "Lookit him go! Ain't he a caution? Two hunnert pounds a mean in a 80-pound bag, I swear."

Rufus' appointment has caused a considerable stir on Capitol Hill.

"That thing almost bit my fingers clean off," said U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), who required rabies shots after offering Rufus one of his barbecued ribs in a gesture of bipartisan friendship. "It oughta be destroyed right quick-like. Or given overseas duty. This here's a civilized country."

Ridge, peering from beneath the bill of a "War On Terrorism" mesh trucker's cap, dismissed the complaint as "typical liberal hand-wringing."

"What, I ask you, do you expect?" Ridge said. "I trained Rufus up mean for deputyin' and catchin' the enemy. Done it right, by havin' a Secret Service boy rassle him up dressed in the sweaty old clothes of Guantanamo Bay prisoners every time I fed him. Which weren't any too often—we gotta keep him mad and hungry. Ain't my fault some Demmycrat sweat might smell just like the Taliban kind to Rufus."

Rufus is widely regarded as the meanest dog employed by the State Department since Bocephalus, a hard-on of a coon hound who was, by all accounts, crazier than possum fuck. Bocephalus made worldwide headlines in October 1979 when he attempted to tree the Ayatollah.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close