Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog

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Vol 39 Issue 19

Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his standard new-girlfriend mix CD. "Danielle loves that No Doubt song 'Running,' so I threw that on there just for her," Mansfield said. "And she doesn't really like rap, which [previous girlfriend] Erica [Hollings] loved, so I took off [Salt-N-Pepa's] 'Whatta Man' and replaced it with two Aretha Franklin songs, because Danielle loves the oldies." Mansfield said he expects Welter to love the mix "even more than Erica did, maybe even as much as Christine."

Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show

SACRAMENTO, CA—Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus' show this Friday in his hometown. "The idea of getting the hell out of Sacramento and joining a traveling circus was really exciting, but I guess I should've thought to check the schedule," MacAlester, 18, a unicycling clown, said Monday. "I asked the ringmaster if I could possibly sit this one out, but he said no way." MacAlester said he plans to wear extra-heavy make-up in case his parents happen to be in attendance.

Podiatrist A Jerk

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—Podiatrist Dr. Don Smithson is a "big jerk" who "talks down to you like you're an idiot," patient Greg Lindblad reported Tuesday. "Dr. Smithson totally scolded me for not cutting my toenails straight across—he says the ingrown toenail is my own fault," Lindblad said. "Pardon me, Dr. Smithson. My life should revolve around maintaining proper foot care. What a dick." Lindblad also claimed Smithson "completely chewed [him] out" for allowing his bunions to go untreated.

Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee

TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."

Yo, Don't Judge

Y'all may not realize this, but tha Accountz Reeceevin' bruthahood be forced to live in two worlds: tha supafly world o' officin' an' tha bleak-ass world of all y'all amateurs. And it ain't easy. When punchout time roll around, there be a lot o' A.R. bruthahs who don't know what to do with theyselves. Sometimes, they go to Chiliz or Applebeez, but them places be full of playa-hatas who don't approve of tha reeceevin' lifestyle, and in no time, suckaz start flexin'.

Bird Has Big Plans For Cage

HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms.
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Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog

WASHINGTON, DC—Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S.

Ridge introduces Rufus to the national press corps.

"Rufus here has one wild hair up his ass 'bout most everything," said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, as he introduced the dog, a Rottweiler-pitbull-Doberman mix, to the White House press corps. "But I got a feelin' Rufus has a 'specially wild hair to fetch him up some of them Ay-rab terrorist types."

"Don't you, boy?" added Ridge, yanking hard on Rufus' choke chain as the dog barked and jumped to nip at his face. "Huh? I said don't you, boy? Hell, yeah!"

Attorney General John Ashcroft applauded the announcement, praising Rufus for his commitment to fighting terror, as well as for his unswerving loyalty to Ridge.

"No one can touch Rufus 'ceptin' Tom," Ashcroft said. "He plumb loves Tom. And he don't always growl at me no more since I done okayed his appointment and give him scraps of my beef jerky. But I sure as hell ain't goin' to try and pet him, on account of I need that hand to wipe my ass."

The primary role of Rufus—previously employed by a Georgetown-area Gas 'N' Go to intimidate drunken late-night patrons and would-be shoplifters—will be one of deterrence. Beginning June 1, the dog will be deployed to various U.S. bridges, national monuments, and other potential terror targets, where he will be chained to a pair of cinderblocks and instructed to bark, growl, and leap at potential terrorists—defined as individuals who come too close, make eye contact with him, or just don't smell right.

"The hijacker ain't been born that won't load up his overalls when ol' Rufus here up an' come at him," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said. "And if'n they don't run, well, they gonna be explainin' to the Muslim St. Peter why they's got a hole in 'em big enough to throw an angry cat through."

"That ol' dog's so mean, he ain't done nothin' but eat nails and shit nickels ever since he was born," added Ridge, holding back Rufus as the animal lunged at the throat of CNN commentator and former Clinton press secretary Paul Begala. "Lookit him go! Ain't he a caution? Two hunnert pounds a mean in a 80-pound bag, I swear."

Rufus' appointment has caused a considerable stir on Capitol Hill.

"That thing almost bit my fingers clean off," said U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), who required rabies shots after offering Rufus one of his barbecued ribs in a gesture of bipartisan friendship. "It oughta be destroyed right quick-like. Or given overseas duty. This here's a civilized country."

Ridge, peering from beneath the bill of a "War On Terrorism" mesh trucker's cap, dismissed the complaint as "typical liberal hand-wringing."

"What, I ask you, do you expect?" Ridge said. "I trained Rufus up mean for deputyin' and catchin' the enemy. Done it right, by havin' a Secret Service boy rassle him up dressed in the sweaty old clothes of Guantanamo Bay prisoners every time I fed him. Which weren't any too often—we gotta keep him mad and hungry. Ain't my fault some Demmycrat sweat might smell just like the Taliban kind to Rufus."

Rufus is widely regarded as the meanest dog employed by the State Department since Bocephalus, a hard-on of a coon hound who was, by all accounts, crazier than possum fuck. Bocephalus made worldwide headlines in October 1979 when he attempted to tree the Ayatollah.

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