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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Department Of 'Homeland' Urges All Americans To Watch This Week's Episode

WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning to the American public, the U.S. Department of Homeland advised citizens to take any and all measures necessary to avoid missing this week’s episode of the hit TV drama starring Claire Danes and Damian Lewis. “From 10 p.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday, it is absolutely imperative that you are secure and in your homes with the lights turned off and the television tuned to Showtime,” said U.S. Homeland Secretary Glenn Liston, addressing the public in an emergency broadcast carried by all major networks. “Based on screener discs we received earlier today, we are warning all U.S. residents: If you do not have Showtime, subscribe immediately. If you do have Showtime, lock your doors, kiss your kids good night, and prepare yourself for this tense and dramatic television event. We have heard credible Internet chatter indicating that what Saul has planned for Sgt. Brody simply can’t be missed.” Liston’s announcement was followed by a statement from the Secretary of Californication urging Americans to stay as far away from that Showtime program as possible.

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