Department Of 'Homeland' Urges All Americans To Watch This Week's Episode

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Vol 48 Issue 43

Meat Loaf Endorses Romney

Performing after the band Big & Rich at a Romney rally last night, Meat Loaf offered the candidate an unusual, rambling endorsement in which the 65-year-old rocker mentioned that he had never been involved in politics before, that the Cold War is not ...

Man Throws Money At Problem

A birthday card is discreetly passed around the office like some sort of covert CIA operation, Apple's gag division unveils the sleekest fake dog shit to date, and cactus scientists recommend drinking 8 cups of water per year.

U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence ...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Department Of 'Homeland' Urges All Americans To Watch This Week's Episode

WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning to the American public, the U.S. Department of Homeland advised citizens to take any and all measures necessary to avoid missing this week’s episode of the hit TV drama starring Claire Danes and Damian Lewis. “From 10 p.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday, it is absolutely imperative that you are secure and in your homes with the lights turned off and the television tuned to Showtime,” said U.S. Homeland Secretary Glenn Liston, addressing the public in an emergency broadcast carried by all major networks. “Based on screener discs we received earlier today, we are warning all U.S. residents: If you do not have Showtime, subscribe immediately. If you do have Showtime, lock your doors, kiss your kids good night, and prepare yourself for this tense and dramatic television event. We have heard credible Internet chatter indicating that what Saul has planned for Sgt. Brody simply can’t be missed.” Liston’s announcement was followed by a statement from the Secretary of Californication urging Americans to stay as far away from that Showtime program as possible.

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