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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There

WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday "just to keep the agency fresh in people's minds." "In cabinet-level public service the name of the game is buzz; if you don't keep putting out these reports, you're toast," HUD assistant secretary for policy and research Raphael Bostic said, adding that while data did show a spike in second mortgages among new retirees, the important thing was that people see the department's logo up top. "These days, all you ever hear is 'Department of State' this or 'Department of Justice' that—we've got to get some of that heat." In order to get the agency's brand trending again, HUD has dispatched its street team to major cities in an effort to sign pedestrians up for its mailing list.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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