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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Department Of Housing And Urban Development Issues Report Just To Keep Name Out There

WASHINGTON—Citing a lack of name recognition, officials at the Department of Housing and Urban Development issued a brief, one-page report on mortgage trends Tuesday "just to keep the agency fresh in people's minds." "In cabinet-level public service the name of the game is buzz; if you don't keep putting out these reports, you're toast," HUD assistant secretary for policy and research Raphael Bostic said, adding that while data did show a spike in second mortgages among new retirees, the important thing was that people see the department's logo up top. "These days, all you ever hear is 'Department of State' this or 'Department of Justice' that—we've got to get some of that heat." In order to get the agency's brand trending again, HUD has dispatched its street team to major cities in an effort to sign pedestrians up for its mailing list.

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