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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Department Of Interior Employee Caught Embezzling 50,000 Wolves

BILLINGS, MT—In what is being called the largest wildlife embezzlement scheme in more than 40 years, Department of Interior employee Stephen Kendrick, 48, was caught Monday diverting large sums of wolves from Yellowstone National Park into an offshore Cayman Islands reserve. "We initially became suspicious when we noticed an unusually large surplus of elk this year," said Jon Jarvis, director of the National Park Service. "After a closer look, it was clear someone was skimming wolves off the top. We should have known. On his salary there was no way he could have that many wolves." This is the largest wildlife misappropriation in the United States since 1968, when the FBI closed down several Chicago pet stores that had illegally obtained more than 300,000 cottontail rabbits in the nation's biggest-ever bunny laundering scam.

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