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Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game'

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game'

WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it had been a good long while since an athlete had died on the field during a major sporting event. "We're not saying we want to see it or anything, but it sort of feels like we're overdue, right?" read a section of the report, which has received the approval of the Committee of Not for Nothing and the Chamber of Couldn't Help but Notice. "I mean, yes, there's Dale Earnhardt, and probably a bunch of amateurs we don't even hear about, poor bastards, but during, like, a nationally televised game, you know? As previously stated, we don't want to see it happen, but…just saying." The report has been taken into consideration by the U.S. Senate Oversight Committee for Oh, Man, You're Totally Right, It Has Been a While.

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