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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game'

WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it had been a good long while since an athlete had died on the field during a major sporting event. "We're not saying we want to see it or anything, but it sort of feels like we're overdue, right?" read a section of the report, which has received the approval of the Committee of Not for Nothing and the Chamber of Couldn't Help but Notice. "I mean, yes, there's Dale Earnhardt, and probably a bunch of amateurs we don't even hear about, poor bastards, but during, like, a nationally televised game, you know? As previously stated, we don't want to see it happen, but…just saying." The report has been taken into consideration by the U.S. Senate Oversight Committee for Oh, Man, You're Totally Right, It Has Been a While.

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