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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Department Of Just Saying: 'Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game'

WASHINGTON—In a report written in collaboration with the Bureau of Just Throwing It Out There, the Department of Just Saying noted Wednesday that it had been a good long while since an athlete had died on the field during a major sporting event. "We're not saying we want to see it or anything, but it sort of feels like we're overdue, right?" read a section of the report, which has received the approval of the Committee of Not for Nothing and the Chamber of Couldn't Help but Notice. "I mean, yes, there's Dale Earnhardt, and probably a bunch of amateurs we don't even hear about, poor bastards, but during, like, a nationally televised game, you know? As previously stated, we don't want to see it happen, but…just saying." The report has been taken into consideration by the U.S. Senate Oversight Committee for Oh, Man, You're Totally Right, It Has Been a While.

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