Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job

Top Headlines


Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stimulate economic growth and boost the confidence of the American workforce, the federal government has allocated $40 billion to create one unbelievably mind-blowing new job, Labor Secretary Hilda Solis announced Monday.

The position, which will require the selected applicant to relocate to a sprawling, white-sand-beach facility on St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands, will begin immediately after the employee is hired. In addition to a $500,000 annual salary, Solis said that the job also includes 12 weeks of paid vacation, a generous pension, bimonthly bonuses for adequate attendance totaling more than $2 million a year, a company rocket pack, and full health benefits.

"After carefully surveying the current employment landscape, it has become evident that generating a single, incredible new job is the most effective course of action," Solis said. "Rather than place 2 million Americans in unfulfilling, dead-end careers, we feel that giving one citizen the opportunity to contribute to the study of multiple orgasms in a controlled hot-tub environment will ultimately yield the most lasting change."

Solis stressed that the new job will "not be a handout," and that the chosen worker will be expected to put in long hours riding a Jet Ski while taste-testing a variety of new microbrewed craft beers. Though the new employee will not report to an immediate superior, he or she will be required to submit monthly progress reports pertaining to an ongoing trampoline-and-bottle-rockets public works project.

Labor Secretary Solis

Solis also said that the required dress for the job will be "business casual."

According to a description the DOL posted on its official website and, the many demands of the new job will be balanced with ample downtime. During the designated work hours of 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., the employee will be encouraged to take frequent breaks to watch Hulu or discharge an M2 flamethrower whenever they feel it is necessary, returning to work only at their own discretion.

"If the chosen applicant feels that unwrapping an endless series of Christmas presents is becoming too overwhelming, then they can simply take the rest of the day off and pick it up in the morning," the online posting read.

By providing the new employee with state-of-the-art high-powered concept cars to drive around while making large cash deposits in dozens of untaxed savings accounts, researchers at the Labor Department hope to aid both the struggling auto industry and the nation's failing banks.

It is not yet clear which economic sectors will benefit most from the daily helicopter rides to and from work.

"This one job alone should generate several thousand temporary administrative positions to process the nearly 100 million applications we expect to receive," said Solis, whose own application was rejected due to a conflict of interests. "And naturally, a team of multidisciplined, highly attractive massage therapists will be working directly under the chosen candidate."

Response to the new job amongst American workers has been generally positive. Though many said they hold no illusions about landing the coveted position, the mere fact that the unbelievable job exists has been a source of comfort.

"I'm starting to think that everything is going to be all right," said recently laid-off steel worker Peter Trank of Pittsburgh, PA. "Just knowing that someone will be out there determining the potential applications of petting frisky black Labrador puppies while receiving expert oral sex from an A-list celebrity, well, it gives me hope."

"America is back," Trank added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close