Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up

Top Headlines


Fargo on FX

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more pr...

FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound

HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...

Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday tha...

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:



Fargo on FX

Department Of Libel: Drew Carey Killed A Guy And Paid To Cover It Up

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Libel, comedian and TV star Drew Carey killed a guy back in the 1980s, then paid this other guy to keep it all hush-hush.

Photo of Drew Carey.

"I know it seems wild, but it really happened," Libel Secretary Brent Roderick told reporters at a morning press conference. "Back in, like, '85 or '86, while he was still living in Ohio, Drew Carey went apeshit one night and beat this guy to death with a golf club in the back room of some bar. For no reason at all. Then he realized that this other guy had seen it, so he paid the guy $500 not to rat him out to the cops. That's why no one knew for so long."

Roderick said the Libel Department received the information on June 20 from "a friend of a friend of the guy Carey paid off." He characterized the source as "100 percent reliable."

Marvin Strand, Carey's attorney, vehemently denied the allegations.

"In all my years practicing law, I have never encountered a more blatant case of libel and slander," Strand said. "This is a malicious, wholly unfounded smear campaign whose sole purpose is to destroy the reputation of my client. And to think a taxpayer-funded arm of the federal government is behind it. We are definitely taking legal action."

Despite Strand's plans to file a $160 million defamation lawsuit and the absence of any hard evidence supporting the allegations, the Libel Department is sticking to its claims.

"Long story short, in the '80s, Carey's career was going nowhere. No comedy club wanted to touch him because his delivery sucked and his material was shit. And it certainly didn't help that he was so fat and unattractive–he had those dumb glasses even then," Roderick said. "Plus, he was really unhappy because he'd been kicked out of the American Nazi Party, and his relationship with [mass murderer] Richard Speck was on the rocks, and his ongoing horse-tranquilizer addiction had placed him in a pretty bizarre state of mind, to say the least. So, when you consider all of that, it's not too surprising that he snapped and lashed out violently the way he did."

Added Roderick: "They never did find the guy's arms."

If Strand follows through on his threat of legal action, it will not be the first time the Libel Department has been sued. Since its creation in 1916, the department has defended itself in court more than 4,600 times for its groundless accusations against various high-profile individuals. The department has lost every case, costing U.S. taxpayers an estimated $985 billion in damages.

Among the Libel Department's more infamous accusations: In 1919, it asserted that swashbuckling movie idol Douglas Fairbanks raped Archduke Franz Ferdinand with a Coke bottle, touching off WWI; in 1932, it alleged that the murdered infant son of famed aviator Charles Lindbergh had actually committed suicide; and in 1953, it divulged that Woolworth heiress Barbara Hutton was raised by a pack of mandrills.

Earlier this year, a New York district court judge ordered the department to pay talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell $24 million for falsely claiming that in 1998 she embarked on a Central Park rampage in which she fatally stabbed a developmentally disabled six-year-old and a swan.

His department's losing streak notwithstanding, Roderick said he is looking forward to his day in court.

"From its founding to the present day, the Libel Department has never wavered in its commitment to its mission, and in terms of efficiency, we top all other government agencies," Roderick said. "We've done a good job and, although we have our naysayers on Capitol Hill and in Hollywood, we intend to continue our important work into the 21st century and beyond."

"Plus," Roderick continued, "I've got some unbelievable info on Julia Roberts. You'll shit your pants when you read this. She won't seem like America's sweetheart when you hear what she did to land her role in Mystic Pizza, believe you me."

Crime Video