adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Department Of Needing Transportation: 'Anyone Heading To Tucson This Weekend?'

DNT Secretary Kevin waits to snag a ride home from work.
DNT Secretary Kevin waits to snag a ride home from work.

PHOENIX—Stressing that it would be really good to get there by Saturday afternoon, the U.S. Secretary of Needing Transportation issued a formal request Monday stating that he would "be happy" to tag along on any potential weekend trips to Tucson.

Addressing the nation from the department's headquarters in his friend Brad's living room, Needing Transportation Secretary Kevin explained the importance of leaving for Arizona by noon on Saturday at the latest.

"I realize that this department has been hitting the nation up for rides a lot lately, but in times of adversity like these I know I can count on the American people to pull together and do me a real solid," Secretary Kevin said. "See, my cousin Jeff's band is playing this gig at Señor Ja-Ja's on Saturday, and he said I could probably do a guest set if I wanted, so any assistance at all would be appreciated. But only if you're heading to Tucson anyway, of course."

Added Kevin, "I offer my solemn promise to all interested parties that this would totally be worth your while."

Established in 1972 with the mission of finding transportation alternatives for its inaugural secretary, Mike, the DNT has secured more than 20,000 rides for various department officials over the years.

"I know this request is totally last minute, and that [Deputy Secretary] Doug already called on the American people to pick him up from that bogus party last Friday night," Kevin said. "But this is a Department of Needing Transportation emergency. Code 5 stuff we're talking about here."

In addition to allocating a "few bucks" to offset gasoline costs, Kevin promised potential ride-givers that the department would totally cover the cost of an Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar sandwich at any passing rest stop.

Hoping to secure the deal, Kevin then began to call on several Arizona residents by name.

"Peter Dunston of Mesa: I know your brother lives outside Tucson, so if you happen to be heading that way, the department would be very indebted to you for your service," Kevin said. "Plus, if you were interested in catching my set, I could, in my capacity as a government official, speak to the club's owner about, you know, maybe comping you in."

Secretary Kevin also appealed to member of the U.S. Congress, including Reps. Raúl Grijalva and Gabrielle Giffords of Arizona's 7th and 8th Districts, to make a commitment toward "hitting [him] back on the karma" for any favors he has done them in the past.

Kevin added that if members of Congress wanted to make this a "full-on road trip," they could take Grijalva's Buick LeSabre and possibly bring along a cooler for "food and beer and whatever else."

Department officials noted that any difficulties finding lodging for the proposed trip would likely be minimal, as the secretary "had some old colleagues that might still live out near Tucson," and that, if said options fell through, prospective ride-givers could always just pack some blankets and pillows and "sleep out under the stars."

According to sources, the situation would be a lot easier if the Department of Providing a Couch to Crash On were not presently headquartered in Pittsburgh.

"As an added incentive, the Department will be supplying a fully functioning Sony Discman with an adapter for cassette tape players," Secretary Kevin told reporters. "This Discman would permit us to chill out the whole ride, grabbing some tunes while we take in the sights. This sounds like a cool way to spend a weekend to me."

Added Kevin, "So, my fellow Americans, what do you say?"

Kevin added that he can be reached at Brad's house until 7 p.m. or so, after which he will be working at Stokley's liquor store.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close