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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Department Of The Exterior Opens U.S. National Park In Norway

Admission to the park is free for U.S. citizens and $15 for Norwegian tourists.
Admission to the park is free for U.S. citizens and $15 for Norwegian tourists.

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of the Exterior announced Monday the grand opening of a new national park that covers nearly 150,000 square miles across the western portion of the Scandinavian Peninsula, making it the largest American park in northern Europe.

"We are proud to officially open the George Washington National Park, Norway, in the great American city of Brønnøysund," Secretary of the Exterior Emmett Becker said. "From now on, this spectacular U.S. treasure will be preserved for future generations of Americans, and will no longer be vulnerable to exploitation by greedy private-sector developers, like, say, Norwegians."

"U.S. citizens from coast-to-coast-to-coast can enjoy the splendor of the breathtaking glaciers and frosted tundra that exist right here in our own backyard," Becker continued. "All you have to do is hop in the car, drive to the airport, take a 12-hour flight to Nord-Trøndelag County, find a kindly fisherman with a boat who is willing to row you out to the mainland, get on the one train that heads south down the Skagerrak coastline, and catch the ferry to the park gates in Kristiansand."

A brochure outlines the park's various attractions.

"America the beautiful," he added.

In late August, before designating the region a federally protected park, the DOE informed the people living in the area that they had 15 days to relocate before their homes were demolished. The department maintained that these trespassers, some of whom had reportedly lived there their entire lives without the DOE's knowledge, were encroaching on the unspoiled habitat of such species as the North American Norwegian reindeer, the North American Norwegian sea otter, and other indigenous American wildlife formerly found only in Norway.

The park also features interactive exhibits on such uniquely American traditions as julehefter and julebøker.

"No place speaks to the spirit of the American wilderness quite like the majestic Sogne Fjord," Becker said. "From the windswept vistas of Svalbard to the raw, stunning beauty of Stavanger, this park is as American as baseball, koldtbord, or apple pie."

The Department of the Exterior, formed in the mid-19th century as part of the Monroe Doctrine, is the branch of government dedicated to securing federally protected status for vast tracts of overseas land for the use of all U.S. citizens.

The DOE's first major contribution to the conservationist cause was the establishment of the James Monroe National Park over 90 percent of the Philippines in 1899, followed by the Teddy Roosevelt Panama Canal Waterfowl Preservation Zone in 1910. The DOE later went on to open preserves in such fragile ecosystems as the Abraham Lincoln Rain Forest in Brazil, the nation of Vietnam, and the Uusikaupunki National Park in Uusikaupunki, Outer New Jersey (formerly Finland).

Thus far, the new park has been visited by nearly five eager Americans and a surprisingly large number of European tourists.

"It's so beautiful up here—if a little cold," said Eileen Weinblatt of Helena, MT, who brought her family to the park on Monday as part of a tour of major American landmarks. "We went to see the Statue of Liberty last summer, and this fall, we're going to see the U.S. pyramids."

These U.S. national parks that exist outside the internationally recognized U.S. borders have occasionally stirred controversy. Much of the new George Washington National Park, Norway—which extends not only over much of the America-Norwegian landmass but also into offshore areas as well—has been determined by geologists to contain massive oil reserves, leading some to propose that the federal ban on drilling should be lifted.

"Why should we waste taxpayer money protecting a bunch of endangered American arctic foxes when gas prices are going through the roof?" energy industry lobbyist Carl Frye said. "We could be drilling right here at home, 175 miles north of Oslo."

"By relying on the resources of our national parks, we could completely eliminate our dependence on foreign oil," Frye added.

The new park is the largest landmass to be given national park status by the Department of the Exterior since 2003, when the DOE established the George W. Bush Honorary Desert Habitat in the regions formerly known as southern and central Iraq.

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