Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware

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Vol 44 Issue 49

Shitload Of Math Due Monday

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking answers in the back.
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Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware

UTICA, NY—Art Schultz, better known as the Senpike Mall's Santa Claus, carried out the management-issued directive to push fine china dinnerware during dozens of two-minute lap sessions Monday. "Ho, ho, ho! Has Bobby been a good boy this year so Santa can bring him, a, uh, Wedgwood five-piece bone china setting in the timeless 'Crown Gold' pattern?" Schultz said to perplexed 5-year-old Robert Ullings. "Maybe if you're on your best behavior, and a big help to Mommy, Santa could bring you...a Lenox gravy boat!" Schultz bolstered his holiday messages by urging children to act now, as their good behavior could qualify their parents for a 10 percent discount on their first Nordstrom credit-card purchase.

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