'Depot Buys Max,' Nation's Office-Supply-Loving Teens Text Frantically To One Another

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Vol 49 Issue 08

Daniel Craig Takes Home Pretty Good Actor Award

LOS ANGELES—As industry insiders had been predicting for weeks, Daniel Craig was a big winner at last night’s 85th Academy Awards ceremony after the 44-year-old actor took home the Pretty Good Actor Award, Hollywood’s highest achievement...

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'Depot Buys Max,' Nation's Office-Supply-Loving Teens Text Frantically To One Another

NEW YORK—Wholesale office supply mania once again captured the fevered imaginations of the nation’s teenagers Wednesday as industry juggernaut Office Depot announced plans to purchase competitor OfficeMax in an all-stock deal worth $1.2 billion. “Yo, Depot bought the Max?! This is going 2 change everything,” self-professed office supply nut Tara Wilson, 17, texted to friends as she, like millions of American teens just like her, eagerly searched industry news sites for more details on the upcoming merger. “U said big-box retail wuz moving online?? Walmart+Amazon r going 2 B totally fucked.” Though scores of young office supply fans nationwide were reportedly enthused by reports of the new chain retailer, millions of other teenage sources have expressed their brand loyalty by posting the phrase “Stapz 4 lyfe” on Facebook and Twitter.

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