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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit

RICHMOND, VA—Having already blown through the previous night’s fundraising contributions on a couple quick radio ads criticizing Ted Cruz’s voting record, depraved presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly hit up numerous donors Wednesday in a desperate attempt to support his $100,000-a-day advertising habit. “I gotta get my message out to the people—I really need this. If you could give whatever you can, even just 20 bucks, it would really, really help me out,” said the debased Florida senator, shamelessly begging potential contributors at a private fundraising dinner to hook him up with enough cash “just to get [him] through the next couple days.” “I’d love a big primetime TV slot, but I’d be fine with a shorter afternoon one—even just 30 seconds, that’s it. Come on. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’ll do whatever you want.” At press time, Rubio was feeling a euphoric rush after dropping $85,000 on a single media blitz in the Denver metro area.

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