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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:
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Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit

RICHMOND, VA—Having already blown through the previous night’s fundraising contributions on a couple quick radio ads criticizing Ted Cruz’s voting record, depraved presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly hit up numerous donors Wednesday in a desperate attempt to support his $100,000-a-day advertising habit. “I gotta get my message out to the people—I really need this. If you could give whatever you can, even just 20 bucks, it would really, really help me out,” said the debased Florida senator, shamelessly begging potential contributors at a private fundraising dinner to hook him up with enough cash “just to get [him] through the next couple days.” “I’d love a big primetime TV slot, but I’d be fine with a shorter afternoon one—even just 30 seconds, that’s it. Come on. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’ll do whatever you want.” At press time, Rubio was feeling a euphoric rush after dropping $85,000 on a single media blitz in the Denver metro area.

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