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Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit

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Election 2016

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.
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Election 2016

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Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit

RICHMOND, VA—Having already blown through the previous night’s fundraising contributions on a couple quick radio ads criticizing Ted Cruz’s voting record, depraved presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly hit up numerous donors Wednesday in a desperate attempt to support his $100,000-a-day advertising habit. “I gotta get my message out to the people—I really need this. If you could give whatever you can, even just 20 bucks, it would really, really help me out,” said the debased Florida senator, shamelessly begging potential contributors at a private fundraising dinner to hook him up with enough cash “just to get [him] through the next couple days.” “I’d love a big primetime TV slot, but I’d be fine with a shorter afternoon one—even just 30 seconds, that’s it. Come on. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’ll do whatever you want.” At press time, Rubio was feeling a euphoric rush after dropping $85,000 on a single media blitz in the Denver metro area.

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