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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Depraved Candidate Struggling To Support $100,000-A-Day Advertising Habit

RICHMOND, VA—Having already blown through the previous night’s fundraising contributions on a couple quick radio ads criticizing Ted Cruz’s voting record, depraved presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly hit up numerous donors Wednesday in a desperate attempt to support his $100,000-a-day advertising habit. “I gotta get my message out to the people—I really need this. If you could give whatever you can, even just 20 bucks, it would really, really help me out,” said the debased Florida senator, shamelessly begging potential contributors at a private fundraising dinner to hook him up with enough cash “just to get [him] through the next couple days.” “I’d love a big primetime TV slot, but I’d be fine with a shorter afternoon one—even just 30 seconds, that’s it. Come on. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’ll do whatever you want.” At press time, Rubio was feeling a euphoric rush after dropping $85,000 on a single media blitz in the Denver metro area.

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