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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

The sick, masochistic weirdo, who reportedly gets off on reading about what’s new in the Middle East.
The sick, masochistic weirdo, who reportedly gets off on reading about what’s new in the Middle East.

CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.

The sick man, who confirmed that he makes a concerted effort to follow all manner of current events, evidently derives pleasure from torturing himself in this way, saying he likes to know as much as possible about the world in which he lives.

“There’s a lot going on these days, and I like to stay on top of things,” Petrillo said of his disturbing desire to follow news stories, including those about the Middle East, the state of the U.S. economy, and the recent activities of the National Security Agency. “With such a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips, it just makes sense to keep abreast of the latest developments.”

“It’s important to stay informed, you know?” the degenerate continued while perusing a news website. “Oh, look, here’s an update on what’s happening in Somalia.”

According to those close to Petrillo, the 36-year-old web designer devotes several hours each week to this vile form of self-abuse. He reportedly indulges his twisted obsession by seeking out news articles and videos on everything from politics and international affairs to health care and the environment—often multiple times a day.

In the past, sources said, Petrillo only gratified this unsettling need for punishment in the privacy of his own home, where he consults the internet, television, and various news magazines to find out about the world’s most pressing issues. Now, however, he often engages in his perverse behavior publicly, using a smartphone to see what’s currently happening in Syria, Egypt, Greece, Russia, and even North Korea.

“I follow a lot of major news outlets on Twitter so I can check in throughout the day and catch all the updates,” said Petrillo, who reportedly can’t go half an hour without reading the latest headlines, all of which contain explicit details about what is actually happening in the world at this moment, details that sources confirmed only a human being with a sick, psychosexual enjoyment of pain and suffering could possibly derive gratification from. “But on the other hand, I’ll sit in the evening with a copy of The New Yorker and read an in-depth article on the situation in Lebanon.”

“I guess you could say I’m a bit of a news junkie,” added the individual who can apparently read about millions of displaced Syrians before bed and still manage to sleep.

Petrillo went on to add that he enjoys spending his Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, presumably a horrifying and painful act, yet also a “favorite weekend ritual” that the deviant man seems to get off on.

Sources confirmed that Petrillo makes no effort whatsoever to conceal his insatiable desire for self-inflicted torment, going so far as to take pride in his familiarity with issues such as America’s distribution of wealth, the latest jobs report, what’s happening in Congress recently, and the nation’s current incarceration rate. In fact, he is reportedly not content with simple masochism, and often spreads the anguish of his knowledge to his fellow citizens.

“Whenever I come across an interesting article online, I like to email it to my friends and try to get a conversation going,” said Petrillo, his voice betraying no shame. “For example, a while back I sent around a story about how hundreds of Rohingya Muslims have been [omitted for sake of decency] by the Myanmar government. It’s really important stuff, but there’s just not much awareness of the issue.”

“I love finding something like that and sharing it with people,” the sicko added. “I really do.”

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