Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

The sick, masochistic weirdo, who reportedly gets off on reading about what’s new in the Middle East.
The sick, masochistic weirdo, who reportedly gets off on reading about what’s new in the Middle East.

CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.

The sick man, who confirmed that he makes a concerted effort to follow all manner of current events, evidently derives pleasure from torturing himself in this way, saying he likes to know as much as possible about the world in which he lives.

“There’s a lot going on these days, and I like to stay on top of things,” Petrillo said of his disturbing desire to follow news stories, including those about the Middle East, the state of the U.S. economy, and the recent activities of the National Security Agency. “With such a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips, it just makes sense to keep abreast of the latest developments.”

“It’s important to stay informed, you know?” the degenerate continued while perusing a news website. “Oh, look, here’s an update on what’s happening in Somalia.”

According to those close to Petrillo, the 36-year-old web designer devotes several hours each week to this vile form of self-abuse. He reportedly indulges his twisted obsession by seeking out news articles and videos on everything from politics and international affairs to health care and the environment—often multiple times a day.

In the past, sources said, Petrillo only gratified this unsettling need for punishment in the privacy of his own home, where he consults the internet, television, and various news magazines to find out about the world’s most pressing issues. Now, however, he often engages in his perverse behavior publicly, using a smartphone to see what’s currently happening in Syria, Egypt, Greece, Russia, and even North Korea.

“I follow a lot of major news outlets on Twitter so I can check in throughout the day and catch all the updates,” said Petrillo, who reportedly can’t go half an hour without reading the latest headlines, all of which contain explicit details about what is actually happening in the world at this moment, details that sources confirmed only a human being with a sick, psychosexual enjoyment of pain and suffering could possibly derive gratification from. “But on the other hand, I’ll sit in the evening with a copy of The New Yorker and read an in-depth article on the situation in Lebanon.”

“I guess you could say I’m a bit of a news junkie,” added the individual who can apparently read about millions of displaced Syrians before bed and still manage to sleep.

Petrillo went on to add that he enjoys spending his Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, presumably a horrifying and painful act, yet also a “favorite weekend ritual” that the deviant man seems to get off on.

Sources confirmed that Petrillo makes no effort whatsoever to conceal his insatiable desire for self-inflicted torment, going so far as to take pride in his familiarity with issues such as America’s distribution of wealth, the latest jobs report, what’s happening in Congress recently, and the nation’s current incarceration rate. In fact, he is reportedly not content with simple masochism, and often spreads the anguish of his knowledge to his fellow citizens.

“Whenever I come across an interesting article online, I like to email it to my friends and try to get a conversation going,” said Petrillo, his voice betraying no shame. “For example, a while back I sent around a story about how hundreds of Rohingya Muslims have been [omitted for sake of decency] by the Myanmar government. It’s really important stuff, but there’s just not much awareness of the issue.”

“I love finding something like that and sharing it with people,” the sicko added. “I really do.”

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