adBlockCheck

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

The sick, masochistic weirdo, who reportedly gets off on reading about what’s new in the Middle East.
The sick, masochistic weirdo, who reportedly gets off on reading about what’s new in the Middle East.

CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.

The sick man, who confirmed that he makes a concerted effort to follow all manner of current events, evidently derives pleasure from torturing himself in this way, saying he likes to know as much as possible about the world in which he lives.

“There’s a lot going on these days, and I like to stay on top of things,” Petrillo said of his disturbing desire to follow news stories, including those about the Middle East, the state of the U.S. economy, and the recent activities of the National Security Agency. “With such a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips, it just makes sense to keep abreast of the latest developments.”

“It’s important to stay informed, you know?” the degenerate continued while perusing a news website. “Oh, look, here’s an update on what’s happening in Somalia.”

According to those close to Petrillo, the 36-year-old web designer devotes several hours each week to this vile form of self-abuse. He reportedly indulges his twisted obsession by seeking out news articles and videos on everything from politics and international affairs to health care and the environment—often multiple times a day.

In the past, sources said, Petrillo only gratified this unsettling need for punishment in the privacy of his own home, where he consults the internet, television, and various news magazines to find out about the world’s most pressing issues. Now, however, he often engages in his perverse behavior publicly, using a smartphone to see what’s currently happening in Syria, Egypt, Greece, Russia, and even North Korea.

“I follow a lot of major news outlets on Twitter so I can check in throughout the day and catch all the updates,” said Petrillo, who reportedly can’t go half an hour without reading the latest headlines, all of which contain explicit details about what is actually happening in the world at this moment, details that sources confirmed only a human being with a sick, psychosexual enjoyment of pain and suffering could possibly derive gratification from. “But on the other hand, I’ll sit in the evening with a copy of The New Yorker and read an in-depth article on the situation in Lebanon.”

“I guess you could say I’m a bit of a news junkie,” added the individual who can apparently read about millions of displaced Syrians before bed and still manage to sleep.

Petrillo went on to add that he enjoys spending his Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, presumably a horrifying and painful act, yet also a “favorite weekend ritual” that the deviant man seems to get off on.

Sources confirmed that Petrillo makes no effort whatsoever to conceal his insatiable desire for self-inflicted torment, going so far as to take pride in his familiarity with issues such as America’s distribution of wealth, the latest jobs report, what’s happening in Congress recently, and the nation’s current incarceration rate. In fact, he is reportedly not content with simple masochism, and often spreads the anguish of his knowledge to his fellow citizens.

“Whenever I come across an interesting article online, I like to email it to my friends and try to get a conversation going,” said Petrillo, his voice betraying no shame. “For example, a while back I sent around a story about how hundreds of Rohingya Muslims have been [omitted for sake of decency] by the Myanmar government. It’s really important stuff, but there’s just not much awareness of the issue.”

“I love finding something like that and sharing it with people,” the sicko added. “I really do.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close