Depressed Nation Really Did Not Think It Would Take Them This Long To Get Over Death Of Jack Klugman

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 03

Bowling!

Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9!

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Depressed Nation Really Did Not Think It Would Take Them This Long To Get Over Death Of Jack Klugman

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—More than three weeks after the beloved 90-year-old actor’s passing, the nation was surprised to find itself still mired in a deep depression over the loss of film and sitcom star Jack Klugman, millions of Americans reported Thursday. “I only watched The Odd Couple a few times on cable, and I guess I never realized how much Jack meant to me until he was gone,” said Iowa homemaker Beth Golding, who lay weeping and curled up on her couch, a scene that played itself out repeatedly across all 50 states. “It’s been almost a month now, and yet not a day goes by that I don’t think about how actor Jack Klugman was cruelly torn away from us. I can’t eat, sleep, or work without seeing his smiling face everywhere I look. Why the hell am I still taking this so hard?” At press time, the entire U.S. populace reportedly sighed and stared wistfully out the window.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More