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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Depressed NRA Member Half-Hoping Son Will Accidentally Shoot Him

ROUND ROCK, TX–Despondent from the loss of his job and his recent divorce, National Rifle Association lifetime member Patrick Schramm is half-hoping for an accidental shooting death at the hands of his 10-year-old son. "I don't know what the point is anymore," Schramm said Monday. "Sometimes, I find myself wishing that Jeffrey would mistake me for a robber late at night and put me out of my misery." Schramm then absent-mindedly released the safety on his Browning 10 gauge and left it on the kitchen counter a foot from the cookie jar.

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