adBlockCheck

Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With Marinara Stain On It

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Originality

Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With Marinara Stain On It

Lauren’s new shirt is perfect for passing out on the couch after vacantly watching reruns of House.
Lauren’s new shirt is perfect for passing out on the couch after vacantly watching reruns of House.

NEW YORK—In a bold move that has become the talk of the fashion world, morbidly depressed designer Ralph Lauren has unveiled a wrinkled dress shirt stained with marinara sauce, part of a new ready-to-wear fall line reflecting the clothing legend's deep and seemingly inescapable despondency.

"I designed this shirt because no matter how hard I try, I can never be happy," said Lauren, who spoke to reporters Saturday in a detached monotone, though he was heard quietly sobbing as the crumpled blue oxford with a large orange blotch down the front made its runway debut. "I try and try and try, but these days I can never seem to… It doesn't matter anymore. It just doesn't matter. That's what this shirt is about, I guess."

"It's particularly good for walking on the beach alone at 2 a.m. and wondering if you should just let the tide take you away forever," Lauren added. "Believe me, it's perfect for that."

A depressed Lauren said he didn’t even deserve to be photographed.

Featuring a missing button, garlic and body odor infused right into the cotton weave, and a cigarette burn across the unraveling embroidery of a Polo logo, the new shirt is the signature item in Lauren's recently launched "Fuck It, Just Fuck Everything" line. Other items, such as stretch-fit khakis, mismatched socks, and well-worn penny loafers soaked in rainwater, are specifically tailored to complement the shirt.

Belts are reportedly not among the accessories included in the collection because, according to company press materials, "Does it even matter if your pants fall down at this point? Honestly, you pathetic man, how would that make things more unbearable than they already are?"

"I created these fashions to let people know I'm a terrible person who is completely worthless and doesn't deserve to be loved by anyone," said Lauren, conceding it would be impossible for any garment to fully convey how little value he has as a human being. "This is the only couture I deserve."

Lauren told reporters the marinara-stained shirt—the idea for which reportedly came to him as he sat on his couch and consumed an entire large pizza by himself—can easily be worn untucked over a pair of unwashed sweatpants from college or even just a pair of boxer shorts, as there is no reason to leave one's house other than to "experience more and worse pain."

"Ralph is going through a bit of rough patch right now," said a longtime family friend who asked not to be named. "Last season he showed us a lighthearted spring-summer line full of timeless American classics—suede boat shoes, double-breasted navy blazers. Once he has a chance to work through some things, I'm sure he'll be his old self again."

Many critics have raved over the new collection, praising the signature shirt for its pre-stained pits and flecks of paper towel suggesting a halfhearted and quickly abandoned attempt to clean up. Others, however, have echoed New York Times fashion writer Cathy Horyn, who simply said, "You're gonna get through this."

Later, as he discussed a possible women's line featuring a wrinkled silk blouse covered with the clinging brown and white hairs of a beagle that has been snuggled with all night long, Lauren trailed off midsentence, gazed into the distance, and eventually wandered away.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close