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Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Depressed Ralph Lauren Releases New Wrinkled Dress Shirt With Marinara Stain On It

Lauren’s new shirt is perfect for passing out on the couch after vacantly watching reruns of House.
Lauren’s new shirt is perfect for passing out on the couch after vacantly watching reruns of House.

NEW YORK—In a bold move that has become the talk of the fashion world, morbidly depressed designer Ralph Lauren has unveiled a wrinkled dress shirt stained with marinara sauce, part of a new ready-to-wear fall line reflecting the clothing legend's deep and seemingly inescapable despondency.

"I designed this shirt because no matter how hard I try, I can never be happy," said Lauren, who spoke to reporters Saturday in a detached monotone, though he was heard quietly sobbing as the crumpled blue oxford with a large orange blotch down the front made its runway debut. "I try and try and try, but these days I can never seem to… It doesn't matter anymore. It just doesn't matter. That's what this shirt is about, I guess."

"It's particularly good for walking on the beach alone at 2 a.m. and wondering if you should just let the tide take you away forever," Lauren added. "Believe me, it's perfect for that."

A depressed Lauren said he didn’t even deserve to be photographed.

Featuring a missing button, garlic and body odor infused right into the cotton weave, and a cigarette burn across the unraveling embroidery of a Polo logo, the new shirt is the signature item in Lauren's recently launched "Fuck It, Just Fuck Everything" line. Other items, such as stretch-fit khakis, mismatched socks, and well-worn penny loafers soaked in rainwater, are specifically tailored to complement the shirt.

Belts are reportedly not among the accessories included in the collection because, according to company press materials, "Does it even matter if your pants fall down at this point? Honestly, you pathetic man, how would that make things more unbearable than they already are?"

"I created these fashions to let people know I'm a terrible person who is completely worthless and doesn't deserve to be loved by anyone," said Lauren, conceding it would be impossible for any garment to fully convey how little value he has as a human being. "This is the only couture I deserve."

Lauren told reporters the marinara-stained shirt—the idea for which reportedly came to him as he sat on his couch and consumed an entire large pizza by himself—can easily be worn untucked over a pair of unwashed sweatpants from college or even just a pair of boxer shorts, as there is no reason to leave one's house other than to "experience more and worse pain."

"Ralph is going through a bit of rough patch right now," said a longtime family friend who asked not to be named. "Last season he showed us a lighthearted spring-summer line full of timeless American classics—suede boat shoes, double-breasted navy blazers. Once he has a chance to work through some things, I'm sure he'll be his old self again."

Many critics have raved over the new collection, praising the signature shirt for its pre-stained pits and flecks of paper towel suggesting a halfhearted and quickly abandoned attempt to clean up. Others, however, have echoed New York Times fashion writer Cathy Horyn, who simply said, "You're gonna get through this."

Later, as he discussed a possible women's line featuring a wrinkled silk blouse covered with the clinging brown and white hairs of a beagle that has been snuggled with all night long, Lauren trailed off midsentence, gazed into the distance, and eventually wandered away.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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