Depression Sufferer Insufferable

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Vol 33 Issue 26

Area Client Would Like A Different Font

PASSAIC, NJ—Gavin Werdlick, owner of a chain of Passaic-area sub shops, would prefer a different font, sources at Byrd Advertising learned Thursday. "Maybe one of those fonts where it's all swirly," Werdlick told his advertising representative. "Then it would be all fancy-looking." Fonts previously rejected by Werdlick for his ad include Bureau Grotesque, Futura Condensed Light, and Bodoni BE Extra-Bold.

Pursued Drunk Driver Crafts Brilliant 'Don't Stop' Plan

TUPELO, MS—Law-enforcement officials and tactical analysts alike are applauding the creativity of drunk driver Leon Frisch, who responded to pursuing police Saturday with a brilliant "don't stop" plan. "I was drunk, and I knew I would be in trouble if I got caught in such a state," Frisch said, "so I settled on a plan of not stopping." Sgt. Robert Love, one of the pursuing officers, described himself as "utterly bamboozled" by Frisch's unorthodox stratagem. "I had no idea how to respond to this inspired ruse," Love said. "I stand in awe of his ingenuity."

Morbidly Obese Man Recommends You Read The Hobbit

PHOENIX—Roy Cordell, a 475-pound science-fiction enthusiast, strongly recommends you read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, it was learned Monday. "You haven't read The Hobbit?" said Cordell, sweating profusely. "It's the tale of Bilbo Baggins, who is torn from his cozy hobbit hole by a band of rowdy dwarves and taken on a fantastic quest for the dwarves' ancestral treasure, which was stolen by the evil dragon Smaug." Pausing to shove a slice of Pizza Hut Sausage Lover's Pizza into his bearded, gaping maw, Cordell noted that Tolkien was a remarkable man. "He was a professor of languages and knew all about mythology," he said. "His Middle Earth novels truly are a landmark of literature." The humongous Cordell concluded by urging you not to get him started about the computer game Warcraft II: Tides Of Darkness.

Porn-Store Change Machine Gummed Up Again

ST. LOUIS—Despite three thorough cleanings this month, the change machine at Naughty But Nice Adult Magazines & Video Gallery has once again become clogged and inoperable. "I don't know what's wrong with the damn thing," said store owner James Vanderbek. "We paid too much for it to have to be cleaning it every week, I can tell you that." Said Ken Woodruff, the store's assistant manager: "It always seems to happen on Wednesday nights: Right around the time this one funny-looking tall guy leaves, someone always seems to complain about not being able to get change."

KFC Paleontologists Reconstruct 24-Piece Party Bucket From Single Chicken Leg

LEXINGTON, KY—In a major paleontological breakthrough, scientists at the Sanders Institute have successfully reconstructed a 24-piece KFC party bucket believed to date from as far back as last Thursday. "Using the bones of the leg retrieved from the Jonesboro dig, we have rebuilt this bucket, which appears to have once contained nine thighs and seven breasts," team leader Dr. Bryce Wallace said. "We also gathered data which may provide clues as to what cole-slaw sides and sporks looked like in those days."

Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed yourself all over again.

Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?
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Depression Sufferer Insufferable

DURHAM, NC—Despite an elaborate regimen of prescription medications and thrice-weekly therapy sessions, local depression sufferer Gary Blanke remains a horribly insufferable person, area sources reported Tuesday.

Depression sufferer

Blanke, 28, an unemployed former gas-station attendant who has battled debilitating bouts of self-loathing and despair for most of his adult life, is reportedly so deeply immersed in his own selfish little world that relatives and acquaintances find it nearly impossible to be around him for more than a few minutes at a time.

"I have so many problems that nobody, least of all a person as weak and damaged as myself, could ever be expected to overcome them," Blanke told a steadily dwindling crowd of reporters. "What am I going to do? I've got nowhere to turn. It's never going to get any better, I just know it. I might as well just give up."

Added Blanke, "I'm so sorry you have to see me like this. You don't deserve to have to listen to me unloading all this on you."

He then broke down in uncontrollable, deeply annoying sobs.

Though those who know Blanke do their best to offer at least a modicum of sympathy, he is so unrelentingly unhappy and emotionally needy that he depletes most people's reserves of patience and interest in no time, leaving sad, withered husks of aborted friendships in his wake.

"I know I'm a burden on everyone," Blanke said. "I'm so pathetic, I know you must all hate me."

"Man, do I hate that guy," said Kevin Deshaies, Blanke's former roommate, expressing the general consensus of everyone who has met the longtime depressive. "You kind of feel sorry for him at first, but after the first 10 hours of listening to him whine, you find yourself wishing he was dead."

Though Deshaies has not spoken to Blanke voluntarily since 1993, he still runs into him occasionally at a neighborhood convenience store. Deshaies said he always takes pains to avoid being spotted by Blanke in the store, but, more often than not, he winds up getting sucked into tedious discussions with Blanke about the minutiae of his every neurotic dilemma.

"Nothing's worse than getting cornered by Gary and having to listen to him pour out his guts for hours on end," Deshaies said. "The absolute worst is when he starts crying and you have to hug and comfort him or something, even though all you really want to do is push him down a flight of stairs."

Eternally on and off a variety of antidepressant medications and bouncing from one esoteric belief system to another on a near-weekly basis, Blanke's psyche is a veritable minefield of irritating catch-phrases and insufferable self-pity.

"I am so ashamed of how I always lean on other people instead of facing up to my problems, but I'm just too weak to face them alone," said Blanke, starting his sentence, as he does nearly all his sentences, with the word "I." "I just wish all my pain and agony would end so I wouldn't be such a burden to everyone all the time."

Though Blanke has sought counseling many times over the past 15 years, his debilitating character flaws have precluded him from establishing a productive longterm relationship with any of his various therapists.

"I've seen Gary on-and-off for maybe 12 years, and it has pretty much all been a wasted effort," Dr. Joan Aldrete said. "He's desperate for someone to listen to him, but, nine times out of ten, he won't even show up for his scheduled appointments because of some new crisis. He gets fired from work, or maybe some girl rejects him, and then he becomes so engulfed in self-loathing that I don't hear from him for months. He's so wrapped up in his depression and misery that he's incapable of working toward a true healing. In my professional opinion, in all my years of counseling, I don't believe I've ever met anyone I liked less."

Noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum agreed. "The truly awful thing about severe depression," he said, "is not the damage it does to the sufferer, but the damage done to those who have to spend time around irritating, melodramatic, selfish pricks like Gary Blanke."

Blanke remains in full agreement with his critics. "I know. I'm sorry," he said, staring at the floor and whining pathetically. "They're right. I am pathetic. I know. I'm sorry."

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