adBlockCheck

Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall

Top Headlines

Recent News

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall

WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cau≠tiously announced Tuesday that they had heard about a possible employment opportunity at the Lindale Mall in Cedar Rapids, IA. "Now, this could be something, or it could be absolutely nothing, but we think they're looking for someone to restock the jewelry kiosk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, with the chance to add Sunday mornings further down the line," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, explaining that the person who currently holds the part-time position had been overheard asking about her employer's maternity leave policies. "People rushing to update their resumés should understand that we've been informed of similar openings in the past only to find out later that a coworker has stepped up to take the extra hours—so please be advised this may be a false alarm." Solis added that the only fact she could confirm for certain regarding the job was that it did not include health insurance.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close