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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall

WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cau≠tiously announced Tuesday that they had heard about a possible employment opportunity at the Lindale Mall in Cedar Rapids, IA. "Now, this could be something, or it could be absolutely nothing, but we think they're looking for someone to restock the jewelry kiosk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, with the chance to add Sunday mornings further down the line," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, explaining that the person who currently holds the part-time position had been overheard asking about her employer's maternity leave policies. "People rushing to update their resumés should understand that we've been informed of similar openings in the past only to find out later that a coworker has stepped up to take the extra hours—so please be advised this may be a false alarm." Solis added that the only fact she could confirm for certain regarding the job was that it did not include health insurance.

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