adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
End Of Section
  • More News

Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall

WASHINGTON—Urging the 14 million Americans without jobs not to get their hopes up, officials from the Department of Labor cau≠tiously announced Tuesday that they had heard about a possible employment opportunity at the Lindale Mall in Cedar Rapids, IA. "Now, this could be something, or it could be absolutely nothing, but we think they're looking for someone to restock the jewelry kiosk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, with the chance to add Sunday mornings further down the line," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, explaining that the person who currently holds the part-time position had been overheard asking about her employer's maternity leave policies. "People rushing to update their resumés should understand that we've been informed of similar openings in the past only to find out later that a coworker has stepped up to take the extra hours—so please be advised this may be a false alarm." Solis added that the only fact she could confirm for certain regarding the job was that it did not include health insurance.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings