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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Derek Jeter Admits He Only Plays The Game The Right Way For The Pussy

NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all the world-class pussy he can handle. "It's not like I'm faking anything out there; I do genuinely play my hardest each and every night, but I also genuinely love digging balls deep into women like Minka Kelly, and I'd be lying if I told you those two things aren't related," said Jeter, adding that charity work and appearances at fundraisers are another sure-fire way to "line up the juicy wet love gloves." "In 2004, when I dove into those stands and busted up my face, the whole time I was running toward that ball I was thinking to myself, 'Threesome!!'" When asked for his opinion, Jeter's teammate Alex Rodriguez acknowledged that pussy is the only reason he acts like an arrogant asshole who's too good for everyone he meets.

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