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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Derek Jeter Admits He Only Plays The Game The Right Way For The Pussy

NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all the world-class pussy he can handle. "It's not like I'm faking anything out there; I do genuinely play my hardest each and every night, but I also genuinely love digging balls deep into women like Minka Kelly, and I'd be lying if I told you those two things aren't related," said Jeter, adding that charity work and appearances at fundraisers are another sure-fire way to "line up the juicy wet love gloves." "In 2004, when I dove into those stands and busted up my face, the whole time I was running toward that ball I was thinking to myself, 'Threesome!!'" When asked for his opinion, Jeter's teammate Alex Rodriguez acknowledged that pussy is the only reason he acts like an arrogant asshole who's too good for everyone he meets.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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