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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Derek Jeter Dating Jessica Biel, Repeatedly Reports Derek Jeter

NEW YORK—According to his teammates, other MLB players, Yankee management, friends, relatives, his old college professors, and any random stranger with whom he has come into contact during the past two days, Derek Jeter is dating former 7th Heaven star Jessica Biel. "Last night, me—me, Derek Jeter—and the beautiful, charming Jessica Biel were laughing, talking, and, yes, kissing in a dark corner of the hip L.A. nightclub Hyde," Jeter told reporters from the New York Daily News, New York Post's "Page Six," Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, New York Times, London Free Press, Cleveland Plain-Dealer, and 128 other national and local publications Sunday. "Just thought you all might want to know—we're an item. Yup, it's official. We really hit it off, she is incredibly sexy, and we will be attending a party together this Saturday night at Club Element in case you want to take pictures. Can you believe this?!" Jeter added that, although he was upset about not winning the AL Most Valuable Player award, he "doesn't see Justin Morneau dating anyone who was named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive in 2005."

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