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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Derek Jeter Dating Jessica Biel, Repeatedly Reports Derek Jeter

NEW YORK—According to his teammates, other MLB players, Yankee management, friends, relatives, his old college professors, and any random stranger with whom he has come into contact during the past two days, Derek Jeter is dating former 7th Heaven star Jessica Biel. "Last night, me—me, Derek Jeter—and the beautiful, charming Jessica Biel were laughing, talking, and, yes, kissing in a dark corner of the hip L.A. nightclub Hyde," Jeter told reporters from the New York Daily News, New York Post's "Page Six," Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, New York Times, London Free Press, Cleveland Plain-Dealer, and 128 other national and local publications Sunday. "Just thought you all might want to know—we're an item. Yup, it's official. We really hit it off, she is incredibly sexy, and we will be attending a party together this Saturday night at Club Element in case you want to take pictures. Can you believe this?!" Jeter added that, although he was upset about not winning the AL Most Valuable Player award, he "doesn't see Justin Morneau dating anyone who was named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive in 2005."

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