Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Derek Jeter Fulfills Lifelong Dream Of Starting Business Venture With Jeb Bush

TAMPA, FL—Saying that sitting in the same boardroom together still feels completely surreal, former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter told reporters Thursday that he had finally fulfilled a lifelong dream of starting a business venture with Jeb Bush. “Ever since I was a little kid, all I’ve wanted to do is become equity partners with Mr. Bush,” said the former New York Yankees All-Star, adding that he was first inspired to become a businessman as a child while watching Bush’s entrepreneurial strides in the Latin American banking sphere and his work on his father’s presidential campaigns. “I was only 6 or 7 when Jeb made partner at The Codina Group, but his tireless efforts in securing tenants for commercial developments made me dream of one day recruiting outside investors for our own joint ownership team. I used to stare at the poster of him in my bedroom for hours just imagining us securing a billionaire dollar deal together. I’m still waiting for somebody to wake me up and tell me this is all just a dream.” Jeter also said that the partnership made spending more than two decades working as a professional baseball player completely worth it.

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