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Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter

TAMPA, FL—During a post-workout press conference at the Yankees spring training facility Thursday, shortstop Derek Jeter once again rejected the idea of moving from shortstop to center field, citing the fact that he's Derek fucking Jeter and he'll play whatever fucking position he wants.

"I can see how people might think that moving to center field would be the right thing to do," the 36-year-old said. "I can also see—quite clearly, as a matter of fact—that none of those people are named Derek Jeter. You know, the same Derek Jeter who led the New York fucking Yankees to five World Series titles and restored the entire goddamn organization to prominence after a decade and a half of mediocrity. That Derek Jeter ring a fucking bell for anyone?"

Jeter, who signed a three-year contract with the Yankees this offseason amidst criticism of his defensive quickness and throwing arm, said he would be open to moving to the outfield if he were not 11-time All-Star and future first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter. However, according to Jeter, that's who he sure as fuck was the last time he looked in the mirror.

"So, I'll be playing whichever dicklick position I goddamn feel like," Jeter added. "Hell, maybe I'll play shortstop, third base, catcher, second base, and first base all at the same time. Have my own little around-the-horn circle jerk for five fucking hours if the mood strikes me. How'd that sit with everyone? Good? Good."

During the hour-long press conference, Jeter repeatedly clarified that he was only saying what he was saying because he is Derek fucking Jeter and he can say whatever the fuck he wants. When questioned about his inability to cover all parts of the shortstop position, Jeter asked reporters if they were five-time Gold Glove winners, and said that if they weren't, maybe they should just shut their fucking mouths.

At one point during the press conference, Jeter interrupted himself, stopping to see if he could remember which MLB player is the only one in the history of the game to win the All-Star Game MVP Award and the World Series MVP in the same year.

"Oh, that's right, it was New York Yankees shortstop and Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Derek Jeter," the 16-year-veteran said. "Oh, wait! I'm Derek Jeter. I won the fucking MVP awards. Me. The same motherfucker who dove into the stands for a pop fly against the Red Sox and came out bloody and bruised. So there's no way I'm the guy Brian Cashman keeps talking about—the guy who sounds like a fucking quadriplegic who can't move two steps to field a fucking ground ball."

Jeter conceded that there are probably other people named Derek Jeter who would love to play center field for the New York Yankees, and encouraged team management to go out and try and sign one of them. However, he said, because he's the Derek Jeter who last won the league's highest defensive honor in "oh, I dunno, 2000 and fucking 10," he felt that shortstop suited him just fine.

In addition, Jeter said that the last time he checked, not only were Yankees backup shortstops Ramiro Pena and Eduardo Nunez not named Derek Jeter, but they more than likely had never put the most successful baseball organization in the history of the sport on their back season after goddamn season, and probably had never passed Lou fucking Gehrig to become the Yankees all-time hits leader.

"That's Lou Gehrig, the baseball player," Jeter said. "Not Lou Gehrig, the Nuts 4 Nuts guy who sells honey-roasted almonds and gives free blow jobs outside the stadium."

Jeter went on to note that being the Derek Jeter—the same one whose class and commitment has won over even the staunchest Yankee haters—is also the main reason he'll be the team's leadoff hitter for as long as he wants. It doesn't matter, he said, if the Yankees sign the next incarnation of Rickey Henderson, or fucking God for that matter.

"I bet nobody ever told Yogi Berra that he should stop catching, or told Joe DiMaggio that he should test the market to see if he could get a better offer," Jeter said. "And if they did, they were fucking pricks back then, too. You don't tell Yogi fucking Berra he can't catch, and you sure as shit don't say in the media that Derek Jeter isn't as fast or as good as he used to be, even if it's fucking true."

"You let the guy who's been the captain of your team for the past eight years leave with a little bit of goddamn dignity," Jeter added. "For Christ's sake, the last thing any of us have at the end of our careers is our dignity, and I swear to fucking God, if anybody tries to take that away from me again, I'll play on this team till I'm 95-fucking-years-old and have a colostomy bag tucked under my uniform. I don't care if we lose 162 games a season."

Jeter added that if anybody had a problem with anything he had just said, they could all go fuck themselves, especially that "fat fuck Hank [Steinbrenner]."

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