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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Derek Jeter Shatters Ankle In 148 Places After Attempting To Take Field

TAMPA, FL—Returning to the field for the first time since fracturing his left ankle last season, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter reportedly attempted to take one step on the grass Sunday and shattered the ankle in 148 different places. “He kind of came down on it weird and the bones just burst into pieces,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, confirming that Jeter suffered 38 compound fractures and had “shards of bone jutting out everywhere.” “The sound of bones snapping and flesh tearing was so gruesome. It’s really unfortunate, but honestly, we were surprised when Derek made it up the steps of the dugout.” While the Yankees announced that Jeter will be placed on the 15-day disabled list, the team officials remain confident that the shortstop will be ready to return by opening day.

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