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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Derek Jeter Shatters Ankle In 148 Places After Attempting To Take Field

TAMPA, FL—Returning to the field for the first time since fracturing his left ankle last season, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter reportedly attempted to take one step on the grass Sunday and shattered the ankle in 148 different places. “He kind of came down on it weird and the bones just burst into pieces,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, confirming that Jeter suffered 38 compound fractures and had “shards of bone jutting out everywhere.” “The sound of bones snapping and flesh tearing was so gruesome. It’s really unfortunate, but honestly, we were surprised when Derek made it up the steps of the dugout.” While the Yankees announced that Jeter will be placed on the 15-day disabled list, the team officials remain confident that the shortstop will be ready to return by opening day.

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