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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Derek Lowe Asks Coach If He Could Dip Out Around Fourth Inning

LOS ANGELES—Dodgers pitcher Derek Lowe asked manager Joe Torre if he could duck out around the fourth inning of his start against the Cardinals this Saturday so that he could hang out with his former college buddy, Greg, who will be flying in from Chicago. "I hate to cut out early like that, but I promised Greg I'd show him Grauman's Chinese Theater and where they tape Jimmy Kimmel Live," Lowe told Torre, adding that if he stayed the full game, by the time he took a shower and left the stadium it would be close to midnight and Greg might be too tired to hang out. "I mean, it's not like we don't have a bunch of pitchers around here, and I promise I'll make it up to the team sometime. Just not next week, since my parents are coming in and I know they're going to want to get brunch Sunday." When asked for comment, Torre said that it was fine if Lowe left early, as he wasn't expecting Lowe to make it past the third inning anyway.

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