From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.
LOS ANGELES—Dodgers pitcher Derek Lowe asked manager Joe Torre if he could duck out around the fourth inning of his start against the Cardinals this Saturday so that he could hang out with his former college buddy, Greg, who will be flying in from Chicago. "I hate to cut out early like that, but I promised Greg I'd show him Grauman's Chinese Theater and where they tape Jimmy Kimmel Live," Lowe told Torre, adding that if he stayed the full game, by the time he took a shower and left the stadium it would be close to midnight and Greg might be too tired to hang out. "I mean, it's not like we don't have a bunch of pitchers around here, and I promise I'll make it up to the team sometime. Just not next week, since my parents are coming in and I know they're going to want to get brunch Sunday." When asked for comment, Torre said that it was fine if Lowe left early, as he wasn't expecting Lowe to make it past the third inning anyway.