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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Derrick Rose Pretty Sure He Just Tore ACL By Looking At Knee

CHICAGO—Noting that he immediately knew something was wrong, Bulls point guard Derrick Rose confirmed Friday that there’s a pretty good chance he just tore his ACL by casually glancing at his knee. “I was sitting down on the couch and absentmindedly looked down for a split second, and that’s when I heard a loud pop and was suddenly in excruciating pain,” said Rose, adding that he felt the ligament snap the moment his knee came into his line of sight. “I wasn’t even really looking at the knee, per se—my eyes just sort of passed over it, and then I felt it go. I should probably get an MRI just to be sure, but it’s already swelled to twice its normal size, so I’m pretty positive I tore it.” At press time, Rose had also reportedly torn his PCL and MCL after thinking the word “knee.”

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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