adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Derrick Rose Pretty Sure He Just Tore ACL By Looking At Knee

CHICAGO—Noting that he immediately knew something was wrong, Bulls point guard Derrick Rose confirmed Friday that there’s a pretty good chance he just tore his ACL by casually glancing at his knee. “I was sitting down on the couch and absentmindedly looked down for a split second, and that’s when I heard a loud pop and was suddenly in excruciating pain,” said Rose, adding that he felt the ligament snap the moment his knee came into his line of sight. “I wasn’t even really looking at the knee, per se—my eyes just sort of passed over it, and then I felt it go. I should probably get an MRI just to be sure, but it’s already swelled to twice its normal size, so I’m pretty positive I tore it.” At press time, Rose had also reportedly torn his PCL and MCL after thinking the word “knee.”

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close