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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Derrick Rose Pretty Sure He Just Tore ACL By Looking At Knee

CHICAGO—Noting that he immediately knew something was wrong, Bulls point guard Derrick Rose confirmed Friday that there’s a pretty good chance he just tore his ACL by casually glancing at his knee. “I was sitting down on the couch and absentmindedly looked down for a split second, and that’s when I heard a loud pop and was suddenly in excruciating pain,” said Rose, adding that he felt the ligament snap the moment his knee came into his line of sight. “I wasn’t even really looking at the knee, per se—my eyes just sort of passed over it, and then I felt it go. I should probably get an MRI just to be sure, but it’s already swelled to twice its normal size, so I’m pretty positive I tore it.” At press time, Rose had also reportedly torn his PCL and MCL after thinking the word “knee.”

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