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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Derrick Rose Wondering If He Should Start Rehabbing Knee Sometime This Summer

CHICAGO—Fourteen months after undergoing surgery to repair a torn ACL, Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose told reporters Wednesday that he’s thinking about getting around to beginning rehabilitation on his knee sometime this summer. “I’ve enjoyed my time off, but I should probably get started soon if I still want to make it back by midseason,” said Rose, adding that with injuries it’s important to patiently wait for the first year or two before diving back into any activity whatsoever. “I don’t want to rush anything, but I guess I should begin those exercises where I can bend my knee and eventually walk again.” Rose, who admitted that he was enjoying the nice weather in Chicago, was reportedly leaning toward starting his physical therapy next year.

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