Description Of Sexual Fantasy Changing With Girlfriend's Reaction

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Description Of Sexual Fantasy Changing With Girlfriend's Reaction

HOUSTON—Local resident Ethan Kendler's description of his sexual fantasies to girlfriend Rebecca LaBatt veered awkwardly from the kinky to the banal Sunday, as a raunchy but emotionally honest expression of carnal desire degenerated into inoffensive, marginally erotic entreaties.

"We meet up with your friends Kelly and Tiffany at a bar, or just Kelly, actually, and we get kind of drunk," said Kendler, 25, a bike shop technician, as he snuggled with LaBatt in his one-bedroom apartment. "While we're playing pool, she bends over to line up her shot and we notice she's not wearing any panties."

"That's when we decide that she's had too much to drink and escort her home," added Kendler, who had quickly noted LaBatt's silent reaction. "Because it's not safe for her to walk home alone at night."

Kendler, who has been dating LaBatt, 26, since May, reportedly leaped at her invitation to share his sexual fantasies, eager to divulge the various scenarios of voyeurism and exhibitionism he had kept to himself for a decade. But his shyness soon returned last week after a description of spying on his girlfriend through her door while she fondled herself caused the corners of LaBatt's mouth to turn down slightly. Kendler muttered that he was "just kidding" and quickly abandoned the scenario.

 "So on the way home from dropping off Kelly, ensuring that she safely gets inside her apartment, we pass through a dark alley and I tie you up," Kendler said. "With the gentle embrace of my arms. And I hold you tight as a soft mist covers us. And my hand moves toward your, your hand so I can pull, or guide you willingly, back to my place, and climb into my nice big warm bed."

 Alarmed that LaBatt had not met his gaze for several seconds, Kendler chose not to relate his desire to dress her like a schoolgirl, apply nipple clamps, and play sadistic headmaster.

A desperate Kendler quickly cast his eyes around his apartment in search of something that could move the fantasy in a different, mutually satisfying direction.

 "There's whipped cream in the refrigerator," said Kendler, encouraged by a fleeting gleam in LaBatt's eye. "I spray some on your…whatever you prefer to call your vagina. Then I get out my camera and make sure it's turned off."

Kendler also substituted the word "lovingly" for the words "roughly," "eagerly," and "thoroughly," and perhaps demonstrated too much sensitivity towards the fact that LaBatt has a twin sister.

Kendler showed signs of achieving a possible sex-fantasy breakthrough when he began talking about using sex toys in his and LaBatt's lovemaking, and then embarked on a spanking scenario. Fearing that LaBatt might suspect that he was talking about his ex-girlfriend, however, he cut his digression short and settled on describing a romantic candlelight dinner.

 "I put my finger up your—" said Kendler, choking back the word "ass." "Lips. Up to your lips. Like, to hush you, because the moment is so awe-inspiring. Then I move my hand to the back of your head and, um, stroke your hair. And then we make gentle, respectful, beautiful love. Then we cuddle. And that's what my fantasy is."

 The discussion culminated with the couple engaging in enthusiastic, but otherwise routine missionary-position sex, which LaBatt described in a Monday phone interview as "nice, but not that different from anything we've done before."

 "I was really surprised by how tender his fantasy was," LaBatt said. "I was giving off all these body-language cues to get him to talk dirty—but I guess he's just naturally sweet and old-fashioned. I was really hoping he would talk about tying me up and fucking me in the ass. Is it just me, or are guys complete pussies?"


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close