Description Of Sexual Fantasy Changing With Girlfriend's Reaction

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Description Of Sexual Fantasy Changing With Girlfriend's Reaction

HOUSTON—Local resident Ethan Kendler's description of his sexual fantasies to girlfriend Rebecca LaBatt veered awkwardly from the kinky to the banal Sunday, as a raunchy but emotionally honest expression of carnal desire degenerated into inoffensive, marginally erotic entreaties.

"We meet up with your friends Kelly and Tiffany at a bar, or just Kelly, actually, and we get kind of drunk," said Kendler, 25, a bike shop technician, as he snuggled with LaBatt in his one-bedroom apartment. "While we're playing pool, she bends over to line up her shot and we notice she's not wearing any panties."

"That's when we decide that she's had too much to drink and escort her home," added Kendler, who had quickly noted LaBatt's silent reaction. "Because it's not safe for her to walk home alone at night."

Kendler, who has been dating LaBatt, 26, since May, reportedly leaped at her invitation to share his sexual fantasies, eager to divulge the various scenarios of voyeurism and exhibitionism he had kept to himself for a decade. But his shyness soon returned last week after a description of spying on his girlfriend through her door while she fondled herself caused the corners of LaBatt's mouth to turn down slightly. Kendler muttered that he was "just kidding" and quickly abandoned the scenario.

 "So on the way home from dropping off Kelly, ensuring that she safely gets inside her apartment, we pass through a dark alley and I tie you up," Kendler said. "With the gentle embrace of my arms. And I hold you tight as a soft mist covers us. And my hand moves toward your, your hand so I can pull, or guide you willingly, back to my place, and climb into my nice big warm bed."

 Alarmed that LaBatt had not met his gaze for several seconds, Kendler chose not to relate his desire to dress her like a schoolgirl, apply nipple clamps, and play sadistic headmaster.

A desperate Kendler quickly cast his eyes around his apartment in search of something that could move the fantasy in a different, mutually satisfying direction.

 "There's whipped cream in the refrigerator," said Kendler, encouraged by a fleeting gleam in LaBatt's eye. "I spray some on your…whatever you prefer to call your vagina. Then I get out my camera and make sure it's turned off."

Kendler also substituted the word "lovingly" for the words "roughly," "eagerly," and "thoroughly," and perhaps demonstrated too much sensitivity towards the fact that LaBatt has a twin sister.

Kendler showed signs of achieving a possible sex-fantasy breakthrough when he began talking about using sex toys in his and LaBatt's lovemaking, and then embarked on a spanking scenario. Fearing that LaBatt might suspect that he was talking about his ex-girlfriend, however, he cut his digression short and settled on describing a romantic candlelight dinner.

 "I put my finger up your—" said Kendler, choking back the word "ass." "Lips. Up to your lips. Like, to hush you, because the moment is so awe-inspiring. Then I move my hand to the back of your head and, um, stroke your hair. And then we make gentle, respectful, beautiful love. Then we cuddle. And that's what my fantasy is."

 The discussion culminated with the couple engaging in enthusiastic, but otherwise routine missionary-position sex, which LaBatt described in a Monday phone interview as "nice, but not that different from anything we've done before."

 "I was really surprised by how tender his fantasy was," LaBatt said. "I was giving off all these body-language cues to get him to talk dirty—but I guess he's just naturally sweet and old-fashioned. I was really hoping he would talk about tying me up and fucking me in the ass. Is it just me, or are guys complete pussies?"

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