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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Desperate Angels Deactivate, Reactivate Vernon Wells To See If That Works

ANAHEIM—In a final act of desperation, the Los Angeles Angels elected on Friday to deactivate underperforming center fielder Vernon Wells from their 25-man roster and then immediately reactivate him to see if that would fix the problem. "Vernon hasn't been running so smoothly lately, and he keeps freezing all the time, so we're deactivating and reactivating him a couple times because sometimes that works," said Angels general manager Jerry Dipoto, who confirmed that he instructed trainers to blow on Wells a few times while he was deactivated to remove any built-up dust. "We already tried putting some other guys into the same slot, and they worked fine, so we're pretty sure the roster's not fried. I guess we could try jiggling him, too." At press time, Wells was preparing for tonight's game against the Detroit Tigers by repeatedly removing his helmet and putting it back on again.

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