Desperate Catholic Church Now Offering Sainthood To Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass

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Vol 50 Issue 09

Young E-Cigarette Users Less Likely To Quit Smoking

According to a new study from researchers at the University of California San Francisco, middle and high school students who use electronic cigarettes are more likely to smoke real cigarettes and be heavier smokers than those who don’t.

Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Following a brief episode Friday during which he became physically debilitated by a flood of worries about his struggles in his career, romantic failings, and his own fragile mortality, sources confirmed that local man Evan Turoff...

Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry

Due to the controversy surrounding their ruling earlier this week that criminal voyeurism didn’t apply to a man who took photos up a woman’s skirt on the MBTA, the Massachusetts Legislature voted yesterday to outlaw the act of “upskirtin...

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LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John’s officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase.

Dog Held Against Will Inside Skype Window

Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window.
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RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Desperate Catholic Church Now Offering Sainthood To Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass

VATICAN CITY—Alerting faithful around the world to changes regarding its process of beatification and canonization, Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Roman Catholic Church will now bestow sainthood on any man or woman who attends weekly mass on a regular basis. “After careful deliberation and prayer, the Church has elected to enter any believer into the Canon of Saints so long as he or she is pure of heart and shows up to mass once a week, or even three out of four times a month,” Lombardi wrote in a statement distributed to all dioceses worldwide, noting that the Congregation for the Causes of Saints will promptly begin taking up the cases of any parishioner who arrives on time and stays for the whole thing. “We are also waiving the requirement that individuals be dead before attaining sainthood. As long as you take Communion and stick around for a few minutes after the service, you’re pretty much in. You can be patron saint of anything you want—good health, food, music, whatever—as long as you’re sitting in that pew.” Lombardi said that in addition to revising canonization procedures, the Vatican would now allow anyone who attends mass to put on the priest’s vestments at the end of the service and play the church’s organ if they want.

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