Desperate Clippers Sign Doug Christie To 10-Minute Contract

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Vol 43 Issue 07

FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think?

Drunk Driver In The Zone

STOUGHTON, WI—Alcoholic and car owner Jim Torkleson attributes his "best-ever" 11-mile, 0.14 blood-alcohol-content drunken drive home from...

John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player

STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout the sporting world last week when he announced, much to the surprise of his family and friends—in addition to NBA players and fans—that he lived a...
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Desperate Clippers Sign Doug Christie To 10-Minute Contract

LOS ANGELES—Facing temporary fatigue and extremely short-term injury on the part of star center Elton Brand, the Los Angeles Clippers announced that they had bolstered their defense by signing journeyman guard Doug Christie to a 10-minute, 14-possession contract worth $8,575 before bonuses during the fourth quarter of Wednesday night's game against the Atlanta Hawks. "We're proud to have a player of Doug's caliber on board from now until about 9:30–9:35," said VP of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor, who stressed that Brand would resume starting duties as soon as his stubbed big toe stopped smarting and he had caught his breath. "I only hope his Clippers career will be as memorable as it is long." Christie's incentive-laden contract will also pay him a bonus of $15 per point scored, $35 per blocked shot, and $125,000 for winning the NBA scoring title.

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