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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Desperate Clippers Sign Doug Christie To 10-Minute Contract

LOS ANGELES—Facing temporary fatigue and extremely short-term injury on the part of star center Elton Brand, the Los Angeles Clippers announced that they had bolstered their defense by signing journeyman guard Doug Christie to a 10-minute, 14-possession contract worth $8,575 before bonuses during the fourth quarter of Wednesday night's game against the Atlanta Hawks. "We're proud to have a player of Doug's caliber on board from now until about 9:30–9:35," said VP of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor, who stressed that Brand would resume starting duties as soon as his stubbed big toe stopped smarting and he had caught his breath. "I only hope his Clippers career will be as memorable as it is long." Christie's incentive-laden contract will also pay him a bonus of $15 per point scored, $35 per blocked shot, and $125,000 for winning the NBA scoring title.

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