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Desperate Hillary To Obama: 'Next Vote Wins'

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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Desperate Hillary To Obama: 'Next Vote Wins'

WASHINGTON—Significantly trailing Sen. Barack Obama in delegates, Sen. Hillary Clinton made a last-ditch effort to settle the hotly contested presidential race Monday, when she loudly shouted a proposal that the candidate who gets the next vote wins the Democratic nomination. "All sides have battled long and hard, and now it is time to take up a fair and impartial method for deciding this: next vote takes all," Clinton said, adding that she was crossing her fingers behind her back to ensure that the electoral process is allowed to take its course. "Although I am open to discussing the feasibility of implementing a best-two-out-of-three policy, it has become clear the only way to settle this historic campaign is whoever can run to that door first—go!" Members of the Obama campaign disputed the results of the footrace, pointing out that the Illinois senator had long ago called for ace of black magic times infinity with no backsies.

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