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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Desperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter

HARTFORD, CT—Unable to secure the services of any of the young women who normally watch her 4-year-old son when she goes out for the evening, desperate local mother Rebecca Lowenstein confirmed Wednesday night that she had resorted to hiring a male babysitter. “Normally I wouldn’t do something like this, but I really need tonight off,” said Lowenstein, adding that while this was her first time hiring a male sitter, other people must surely do it all the time. “It’s not ideal, but this guy sounded polite enough on the phone, and I know he babysat for my friend Sheila once. Besides, my neighbor offered to stop by and check in on them later, so everything should be fine…right?” When it came time for her to go, Lowenstein was seen giving her son an unusually long hug, taking a deep breath, and then walking out the door.

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