adBlockCheck

Local

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
End Of Section
  • More News

Desperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter

HARTFORD, CT—Unable to secure the services of any of the young women who normally watch her 4-year-old son when she goes out for the evening, desperate local mother Rebecca Lowenstein confirmed Wednesday night that she had resorted to hiring a male babysitter. “Normally I wouldn’t do something like this, but I really need tonight off,” said Lowenstein, adding that while this was her first time hiring a male sitter, other people must surely do it all the time. “It’s not ideal, but this guy sounded polite enough on the phone, and I know he babysat for my friend Sheila once. Besides, my neighbor offered to stop by and check in on them later, so everything should be fine…right?” When it came time for her to go, Lowenstein was seen giving her son an unusually long hug, taking a deep breath, and then walking out the door.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close