adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Desperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter

HARTFORD, CT—Unable to secure the services of any of the young women who normally watch her 4-year-old son when she goes out for the evening, desperate local mother Rebecca Lowenstein confirmed Wednesday night that she had resorted to hiring a male babysitter. “Normally I wouldn’t do something like this, but I really need tonight off,” said Lowenstein, adding that while this was her first time hiring a male sitter, other people must surely do it all the time. “It’s not ideal, but this guy sounded polite enough on the phone, and I know he babysat for my friend Sheila once. Besides, my neighbor offered to stop by and check in on them later, so everything should be fine…right?” When it came time for her to go, Lowenstein was seen giving her son an unusually long hug, taking a deep breath, and then walking out the door.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close