adBlockCheck

Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings

Visibly distressed citizens nationwide say they now enjoy seeing pictures like this, and “Yup, we’ve come around now; shootings are great.”
Visibly distressed citizens nationwide say they now enjoy seeing pictures like this, and “Yup, we’ve come around now; shootings are great.”

WASHINGTON—In the wake of numerous public shooting sprees that have left nearly 90 dead and countless injured, desperate Americans across the country are, in a clear last-ditch effort, attempting to get on board with mass shootings, sources confirmed.

Though admitting that it “took a while to come around,” members of the U.S. populace—clearly straining to throw their support behind mass murder—told reporters they are totally into and have indeed fully embraced deadly public shootings as part of the rich tapestry of American life, akin to baseball or apple pie.

“I used to think shootings were bad, but, um, they’re not—I like them now,” said 41-year-old Tacoma, WA resident Abby Denilson, rapidly nodding her head with a visibly weary, saddened expression on her face. “Yup. I’ve reconsidered things, and I definitely get it now. I’m on the bandwagon. It’s good when shootings happen. Comforting even.”

“So...hooray! All right!” Denilson continued. “Count me in! Mass shootings! Yeah!”

According to reports, residents of all 50 states have, within the last 24 hours, been trying their very hardest to begin liking and appreciating the idea of men, women, and children being murdered in shopping malls, schools, and college campuses, saying they might as well just develop a taste for such scenarios as they are undeniably an American tradition at this point.

In what could only be described as a clear act of desperation, Americans told reporters that not only are they “all for” mass killing, but also the resulting aftermath, including rushed and often inaccurate reports of the number of dead and injured, interviews with badly shaken witnesses, candlelight vigils, and fiery, often pointless debates over gun control.

A majority of Americans were said to have continued reiterating their newfound acceptance of mass shootings to themselves over and over again, either while sitting alone at home and shaking or while hugging a loved one.

“You know what, mass shootings make this country a nice place to live in, and I’m a little embarrassed it took me so long to realize that,” said Phoenix resident Ben Dority, 34, adding that upon reassessing the issue, he now welcomes any and all mass shootings, regardless of circumstance. “What’s not to like about them? Because when you think about it, there’s nothing better than a guy just firing a gun indiscriminately at a bunch of unarmed people, right?”

“Right,” added Dority.

According to a recent survey, 68 percent of Americans said they would “absolutely be fine, happy even,” if another shooting were to happen at this very moment; 82 percent claimed that last year’s massacre at an elementary school in Newtown, CT was, in retrospect, “a really, really, really good thing”; and 77 percent loudly insisted that they have “totally been on board with shootings this whole time.”

Ninety-eight percent of respondents said that from this point forward they are going to smile and cheer when the words “Breaking: Armed Gunman…” appear on their television or computer screens.

“Seeing news of a shooting used to fill me with the worst sense of dread and crushing sadness, as if overwhelming hopelessness were pervading every single inch of my body—but not anymore!” 53-year-old Richmond, VA resident Patrick Martens said before briefly pausing to close his eyes and take several deep breaths. “I can handle this now. In fact, I’m really glad when shootings happen. Glad and happy and fulfilled and thankful and totally at peace with the world.”

“Honestly, I can’t even imagine life without shootings,” added Martens, forcibly grinning and then turning away to rub something from his eye. “Can’t even imagine it.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close