adBlockCheck

Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings

Top Headlines

Recent News

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings

Visibly distressed citizens nationwide say they now enjoy seeing pictures like this, and “Yup, we’ve come around now; shootings are great.”
Visibly distressed citizens nationwide say they now enjoy seeing pictures like this, and “Yup, we’ve come around now; shootings are great.”

WASHINGTON—In the wake of numerous public shooting sprees that have left nearly 90 dead and countless injured, desperate Americans across the country are, in a clear last-ditch effort, attempting to get on board with mass shootings, sources confirmed.

Though admitting that it “took a while to come around,” members of the U.S. populace—clearly straining to throw their support behind mass murder—told reporters they are totally into and have indeed fully embraced deadly public shootings as part of the rich tapestry of American life, akin to baseball or apple pie.

“I used to think shootings were bad, but, um, they’re not—I like them now,” said 41-year-old Tacoma, WA resident Abby Denilson, rapidly nodding her head with a visibly weary, saddened expression on her face. “Yup. I’ve reconsidered things, and I definitely get it now. I’m on the bandwagon. It’s good when shootings happen. Comforting even.”

“So...hooray! All right!” Denilson continued. “Count me in! Mass shootings! Yeah!”

According to reports, residents of all 50 states have, within the last 24 hours, been trying their very hardest to begin liking and appreciating the idea of men, women, and children being murdered in shopping malls, schools, and college campuses, saying they might as well just develop a taste for such scenarios as they are undeniably an American tradition at this point.

In what could only be described as a clear act of desperation, Americans told reporters that not only are they “all for” mass killing, but also the resulting aftermath, including rushed and often inaccurate reports of the number of dead and injured, interviews with badly shaken witnesses, candlelight vigils, and fiery, often pointless debates over gun control.

A majority of Americans were said to have continued reiterating their newfound acceptance of mass shootings to themselves over and over again, either while sitting alone at home and shaking or while hugging a loved one.

“You know what, mass shootings make this country a nice place to live in, and I’m a little embarrassed it took me so long to realize that,” said Phoenix resident Ben Dority, 34, adding that upon reassessing the issue, he now welcomes any and all mass shootings, regardless of circumstance. “What’s not to like about them? Because when you think about it, there’s nothing better than a guy just firing a gun indiscriminately at a bunch of unarmed people, right?”

“Right,” added Dority.

According to a recent survey, 68 percent of Americans said they would “absolutely be fine, happy even,” if another shooting were to happen at this very moment; 82 percent claimed that last year’s massacre at an elementary school in Newtown, CT was, in retrospect, “a really, really, really good thing”; and 77 percent loudly insisted that they have “totally been on board with shootings this whole time.”

Ninety-eight percent of respondents said that from this point forward they are going to smile and cheer when the words “Breaking: Armed Gunman…” appear on their television or computer screens.

“Seeing news of a shooting used to fill me with the worst sense of dread and crushing sadness, as if overwhelming hopelessness were pervading every single inch of my body—but not anymore!” 53-year-old Richmond, VA resident Patrick Martens said before briefly pausing to close his eyes and take several deep breaths. “I can handle this now. In fact, I’m really glad when shootings happen. Glad and happy and fulfilled and thankful and totally at peace with the world.”

“Honestly, I can’t even imagine life without shootings,” added Martens, forcibly grinning and then turning away to rub something from his eye. “Can’t even imagine it.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close