Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

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Vol 46 Issue 43

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...

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After missing the pennant by one game, the Yankees have some difficult decisions to make before spring training. Here are some of the most crucial issues facing the team.
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Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday. "Dammit, guys, let's really put our heads down and work for it this weekend, because we need a big game out of you," Commissioner Roger Goodell said in an address to all 32 NFL teams, adding that one good pass and one well-executed run could lead to a touchdown that could break the season wide open. "If we don't get everyone on the same page, we might as well give up any hopes for the playoffs this year. And the Super Bowl? At this point we don't deserve a Super Bowl. Let's throw a decent block first." Goodell also made a point of saying it would not be out of the question to see as many as 32 major coaching changes if the season did not improve significantly in the near future.

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