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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday. "Dammit, guys, let's really put our heads down and work for it this weekend, because we need a big game out of you," Commissioner Roger Goodell said in an address to all 32 NFL teams, adding that one good pass and one well-executed run could lead to a touchdown that could break the season wide open. "If we don't get everyone on the same page, we might as well give up any hopes for the playoffs this year. And the Super Bowl? At this point we don't deserve a Super Bowl. Let's throw a decent block first." Goodell also made a point of saying it would not be out of the question to see as many as 32 major coaching changes if the season did not improve significantly in the near future.

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