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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday. "Dammit, guys, let's really put our heads down and work for it this weekend, because we need a big game out of you," Commissioner Roger Goodell said in an address to all 32 NFL teams, adding that one good pass and one well-executed run could lead to a touchdown that could break the season wide open. "If we don't get everyone on the same page, we might as well give up any hopes for the playoffs this year. And the Super Bowl? At this point we don't deserve a Super Bowl. Let's throw a decent block first." Goodell also made a point of saying it would not be out of the question to see as many as 32 major coaching changes if the season did not improve significantly in the near future.

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